What it really means

It’s not so much what we say sometimes as how we say it and what we really mean. And, this is more than whether the glass is half full or half empty.

A lady from church called yesterday to tell me she was so happy that I didn’t need surgery and that there was no blockage found during the angiogram. I am so very appreciative that she thought of me but not all of the news was as good as that. I don’t know how things get so messed up. The doctor said they could not operate or treat my AVM in another manner because it was too dangerous. This is not the same thing. The doctor said to leave it alone and wait until it ruptures-not a great thought since it is growing. Don’t get me wrong. I am satisfied with the results that I received but the two ideas are not the same. If something could be done I was willing to take the risk, but I wanted to first make sure there was no aneurysm. Aneurysms usually rupture more frequently than AVMs. I can understand being happy to not have surgery, but it is not often that the doctors will say, “Let us watch it some more.” The interpretation:  I can still walk or at least get around with some help so let’s leave it alone because more than likely I will not walk afterwards. As for a blockage, that wasn’t the case at all. I don’t know where that came from.

I don’t have a tumor but it is almost like having something like that, and not being able to operate to remove it or treat it. It drives one crazy knowing it is there and nothing can be done. As time passes, you know it will not get better but will get worse and will cause you to lose more and more control (paralysis). I used to worry about it but I learned that this is just another part of me. I have to claim ownership because the AVM isn’t going anywhere. We are bonded together for life it seems.

I don’t know if someone is relaying this information to others or if it is the misinterpretation or both. Some people have known that I had something wrong and would say, “I hope you will get over this soon” like it was a cold virus. When people cannot see what is causing the problem, they have a difficult time understanding. I guess that is why I have felt the need to try and explain this in detail on my blog, hoping to bring more understanding. There are not a lot of these things around (AVMs); each one is different; and those of us who have them feel so misunderstood.

I’m not having a pity party and I do not want to dwell on this. But, I want people who have known me for about 30 years to understand what I suffer from. I have never been one to talk about my problems bringing attention to myself, but now that people I have known for so long really do not understand, I feel compelled to speak. I am a pessimist at times. However, I operate in the realm of optimism—that anything is possible. I am slightly happy to not have surgery but if surgery or other treatment could fix me, I was going to embrace it. Life is too short no matter what. Live today and every day as if it were your last. There will come a time when “today” will be our last. Have no regrets!

Happy Gardening and I don’t mean to be morbid-just the opposite!

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I’m home

I am resting at home after the angiogram Thursday. Don’t believe it if someone tells you that this thing doesn’t hurt. I can stand a fair amount of pain (at times, quite a bit) but I had to have pain meds-still taking them. I opted out of “the plug” because I read too many horror stories. Two more hours of at 180 degrees is ok…well, I’m no spring chicken, but I made it. No adverse effects-no stroke. I have some bruising and some eye issues.

The results – No aneurysm! That’s the good news. Bad news…no treatment is being advised. The doctor believes that even with all of the advances in technology, my AVM is too big and complicated to touch without having severe deficits–that any treatment would kill off too much brain matter. I don’t think I can spare any . We are to wait until it bleeds-sounds awful.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and well wishes. Many people were praying that all would go well. My family, including my husband and girls, were there with me along with a friend from church. I am so very blessed. Hopefully, I will be back to my usual by Monday.

Happy Gardening and have a great holiday weekend!

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It is what is in your heart that counts

I am off to the hospital today. With any luck I will be back soon.  Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers! May your day be doubly blessed and please remember Trace as she has her knee surgery and others who are going through trials and difficult times. Thank you. Please take care!

A person doesn’t attend church as often as some think he should-
—  It is what’s in his heart that matters.
She skipped her morning devotional 3 days in a row-
—  It is what’s in her heart that counts.

Too often we judge others by what they do or do not do, but it is NOT about what we see that matters. It is what God sees in our hearts that counts. Visible stewardship is important but we are not to judge others. When one of us does not exude the epitome of what we believe a good Christian should be or perhaps someone stumbles, do we bring out the judge and jury or do we extend a hand?

I am not here to help justify excuses one may give. That is up to them and what is in their heart and soul. If someone has disobeyed God and not asked for forgiveness, it is between them and God. I cannot condemn someone if they do not appear to be perfect. I am not perfect–far from it. Of course, I think we should all serve as positive role models and be willing to help one another. That’s the giving and caring part of me.

There is a story I want to tell that puts me in my place at times. There was an older couple in our church who were not well off and they didn’t make sound financial decisions. The lady would pay to have her hair done at a beauty parlor and didn’t worry about tomorrow. She would have “the works” many a time when the couple did not know if they would have food to eat the next week. Many people criticized her for doing this. Many quit helping. As I looked at her and their situation I realized that though that would not be my choice, this was probably her one celebratory thing that gave her self-worth and self-confidence. Who am I to criticize? Who am I to judge? It would be wrong to refuse help.

Later, when the lady got sick and needed a wheel chair, some people got together and got one for her. I think it might have been a used one—perhaps they paid no money for it—I’m not sure. I only know if any money was extended, it wasn’t much. Skip a few years and her husband asked for another wheel chair. There was something wrong with the one they had. There was at least one man in the church, an elder, who told them the church could not help them because the woman was wasteful with money. I understand this comment but when we are asked to provide, there is a reason. To turn someone down or turn them away because of what others perceive is not right.

This is a lesson I have used to teach responsibility and stewardship—good stewardship. I think we can all use this as a reminder. A true gift has no limits, no attachments. We give from our hearts. May you be blessed by this story. It is true. Unfortunately, the couple has now passed away and the church did not keep in contact with them. We will be held accountable for this blunder but it doesn’t have to be repeated though I have seen it done since.

Walk in the shoes of someone who you might find offensive or someone you view unworthy. Try to see things from their viewpoint. We all deserve a chance to be understood. We all deserve to be loved. Take care of one another and may your gardens be eternally blessed! Happy Gardening!

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Finished projects

I finished two projects Sunday. One is a pillow that was begun last year. It was hand pieced from one of the quilt tops I received from  a friend. I hand quilted it but wish I had made the border wider. The plan was to quilt a design on the border like the other pillows but I decided against it.

Quilted pilllow

The other is a wall hanging that I designed to hold cards, letters, or whatever. I started on it the other day and actually finished it fairly quickly. It didn’t turn out just like I envisioned but it was machine pieced and hand quilted. I like the summer look it has.

Wall hanging

Both of these will be going to the church shop to be sold. I am also working on some more cross-stitch things to put in the etsy shop which is almost ready to go–it is taking too long for me to get all of this done. I stopped by Hancock Fabrics this past Sunday to pick up some zippers-about 32 of them . They were half off! I could not resist. Next on the agenda will be a table runner and some stuffed blocks if I don’t get busy with something else.

I hope everything is going well in your sewing garden. May you have a bountiful harvest!

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Blue Lights

from wikipedia

Late last night I headed to town to pick up my daughter at the bus station. She was coming in from her long trip to visit her boyfriend. Of course the bus was late and cell service was nonexistent for her so we waited. Finally, when the bus arrived, she piled her stuff into the car and off to the house we went. Along the way, I noticed a car pulled over to the side of the road. I immediately thought it was a cop. Sure enough, I could not get past him before his lights came on. I hate those bright flashing lights in my mirror.

I haven’t been pulled over many times in my life. The very first time was when I had my learner’s permit and my father let me drive home from picking up barbecue. The officer thought I was too young since I had not adjusted the seat to fit my short legs. That officer, a state patrolman I believe, pulled me over in the middle of town and it seemed that almost everyone I knew passed by. How embarrassing!

Last night, the officer who first came up to the car was very polite. I gave him my license while his field training officer ran my tag. The car is registered in my husband’s name first, so the FTO then stepped up to the car, introduced himself, and asked about my husband. Ok. I guess it helps being married to my husband at times. I got a stern warning and as I was pulling off I remembered back to that first time I was stopped. My dad had warned me about pulling away—to be very careful and not spin my tires. It was like I had gone back in time some 37 years ago.

Wherever you are, be safe out there! And, Happy Gardening!

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Small things

Beautiful Chrysanthemums

Last night, I was really depressed. I get that way sometimes. My home situation is not any better, but I did eat an early supper with my husband yesterday. We have not done anything together in over a month.

I get down because of my situation and forget to remember what I tell others when they get down–think of 5 things that are blessings in your life every time you feel down. There is also the letter that I wrote to myself, but remembering the blessings is what can help get our minds off the present situation. So what are my five things right now…my loving children, loving friends (especially internet friends ), food to eat, a roof over our heads, and a God who loves me, cares for me, and sees to my every need. These are my top things-not necessarily in this order-but these are the most prevalent ones. To see that I have more in life, I will stop and think of 5 more things and repeat that. It helps take me out of my pity party and into something deeper.

These next few days will be filled with this type of searching of my soul, of my thoughts. When we are faced with possible life-altering occasions we want to find our meaning in life-our purpose-our mark to know where we are, where we have been, and where we are headed. Some great poets and writers have penned some wonderful writings on the subject-the contemplation of life. I don’t know where I am headed and I really hate that. I have always wanted to know so I could set a course and get on my way.

I hope you have a great Friday and may your day be blessed beyond measure. Happy Gardening in everything you do!

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North and South

This was written last summer so please take that into account as you read. And note, I do not talk like Paula Deen. In fact, I do not talk like many of the people I went to school with, but that doesn’t mean that I do not have a southern ‘sound’ on occasion–usually at my discretion .

Ok, I’m from the southern part of the country if anyone hasn’t figured it out. I really dislike the weather in the summertime and there is not enough cold weather and snow in the winter, but it is home. It seems that the summers get hotter, drier, and longer as time goes along. And, contrary to what my father-in-law thinks, I will never get used to the heat. His words:  “You should be used to the heat by now.” I like cold and snow but figure if I lived say around the lake region (my hubby wanted to live in Alaska :/) I would hate snow. In fact, I hate snow in towns or cities-you know, that dirty, nasty snow that melts and refreezes until spring finally arrives. Yuk! I love it in the country-clean and pristine like a warm winter’s blanket. Onward…

My hubby is not from ‘these parts.’ He is from what some refer to as ‘up north’ – specifically, that lake region I mentioned before. He may have been born and raised there, but occasions have arisen where people were sure he was born here. He has acclimated and assimilated well , so well that he sometimes acts and sounds more southern than me. He fits in well but and I LOVE him. Each of us has differences, sometimes they are subtle, sometimes not.

When I went to dinner with a few female high school classmates a while back (I had not seen some of them in years), one of my daughters went along–I cannot go anywhere by myself any more. It turned into a treat because I had forgotten how country–southern (or southern-country) they spoke. It was like taking a trip back in time for me; for her…well, let’s just say – it was interesting. Each of us is different, but preconceptions can become bumps along the way.

On one of my mother-in-law’s visits early in my marriage (as she and my father-in-law passed through to places further south), she asked me where all of the antebellum homes were located in the area. Hmmm… I try to be a patient and understanding person keeping silent when I should, but I had to look at her and bat my eyes with a little scowl on my face-I could feel my eyebrows growing closer. I just stared and before I had the chance to stop my brain from connecting with my tongue, the words rolled off (it happens sometimes), “What antebellum homes?” This was in a higher pitched voice than usual and probably sounded a little more southern than usual. She then proceeded to tell me about the way she had pictured “The South” … ‘suthernurs’ with large plantation homes and such… I suppose she thought I had grown up on a plantation or something since she knew I still owned the old family farm. I really think she got this from the movies because we tend to form misconceptions when movies fail to tell the whole story.

I have never understood the fascination with the antebellum period in time-as in before THE war-you know which one I mean. What is more fascinating to me are the homes and history before the American Revolution. To me, that time was the real antebellum time… I would have loved to have seen the virgin forests and the natural lay of the land, the early farms and the people of the time. Most did not live in large plantation houses, regal town homes, or lived that type of life of privilege. I think this gets lost in history. Most people were average or less than average and were trying to ‘make do.’ If they could not make a go of it here whether it was farming or business, they usually moved westward, but many remained. I cannot deny there were those who made their life on the backs of others, but so many did not.

Often we judge others from the way they talk or the way they stand; from the way they look or even the color of their skin before we give them a chance. I urge all of us to not judge others and be graceful and merciful in our daily walk–I’m speaking to myself, too.

Happy Gardening wherever you plant your feet!

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