Hopeless or Hopeful

I am a romantic—very simple. I love taking walks in the park and alongside streams and oceans. I love watching the sun set, seeing the colors reflected in the clouds. I love to lie on my back at night watching the stars, waiting for that lone streak of light when particles hit our atmosphere.

Savannah

I love taking my shoes off and walking barefoot in the cool grass. I love riding horseback with a horse that enjoys nature as much as I do. I love giving as much as receiving, maybe even more—to make someone happy, truly happy. To me, that is what life is about. I love songs that bring a smile to my heart and my face . I love so much. I have done all of these things and enjoyed them myself but I have also enjoyed them with others and made memories for all times.

 

I was worried that I would become bitter but I haven’t—not yet. In fact, I am almost the opposite. Where I thought the well had run dry I find that it flows very freely and causes me to want to love again. I have been cautioned to not jump in so soon because my heart is not ready and the friend that said it—she was right—I’m not ready. And, as I thought about it, I have a dilemma. As much as I want to love and be loved and need that so very much…I don’t think I can allow it to happen again—not because I can’t but because I do love. There are no sureties, no definites, and no guarantees in life but how can I do that to someone, asking someone to love me—a woman who may not be here in 10 years although no one thought I would be here now? But, do we really know how long any of us have—not really?

 

I am at my best when I am giving without wanting or needing anything but sometimes this is hard to do. I have been in a slump since New Year’s Day and especially after the doctor visit. I cannot ask someone to open his heart knowing the likelihood of my dying sooner rather than later is always a possibility. This is one of the reasons I was hesitant to move forward and this is a mood I don’t like to be in. I was on top of the world for a while and then I wasn’t. I cannot let my circumstances dictate to me my future but just as I would give my life for my children, I cannot hurt someone I love or possibly loves me. 

 

You may say, “Snap out of it,” that I am going overboard but I have already felt some of the consequences and it wasn’t by someone who loves me. I don’t want to go and say, “Hi, my name is Amy and I have this thing in my brain…” It doesn’t make for good conversation but I can’t hide it either. I feel like a used, chipped and stained coffee cup. I want but I can’t. Who would want me? As I thought long and hard about this Friday, I realized I was jumping ahead of myself again. I have too much to live for rather than to be in this slump. I was better by nightfall. Life…there are no absolutes except for the ones we used to joke about—death and taxes. Enough of this serious thought. I want to enjoy my life and not ponder it away.

 

Have a very blessed day and may all of your dreams come true! Happy Gardening!

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