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Archive for September 14th, 2012

Last Sunday was the best day I have had in many, many months. I didn’t have many health pains, my emotional self was high, had not planned to go to church but went anyway… I felt like I had finally found the light and my burden was taken away. I felt worthy for the first time in so long!!! I beamed when people saw me and everyone exclaimed how good great I looked and were still saying that this week. And…people didn’t do that head shaking thing when I approached or they approached me—that feeling that I was in such pitiful shape with all of my problems.

 

I think—I hope that I am coming into my own if I can borrow that saying. I found the strength to call a lady from church the day before whose husband has stage 4 cancer. The outlook isn’t good or very promising. I didn’t want to break down crying with her and didn’t want to say the “wrong” thing so I have been waiting until the time was right. It was the right time. I have a lot of emotional baggage—my dad dying of cancer and my present situation. I cry at the smallest things. I used to be able to say things to help those in emotional distress, those in sorrow from the loss of a loved one, etc. I tend to lose that ability when I go through these types of situations because I try to speak from the heart but when the heart hurts so much, it is tough to mask my pain. So, why was Sunday any different? I was where I needed to be—settled with my feelings and life. And, I wasn’t putting on a façade of wellness or happiness. It all came from the heart.

 

Monday, I received a call for an appointment with the neurologist that I have been awaiting for months—actually years. The appointment was this past Thursday and things did not go well. The doctor holding up on the referral hurt me because neurologist intern wanted to know why I needed an emergency appointment. I didn’t. These things that are going on have been happening since 2008 and before. With all of the pain I have and the numbness, lack of feeling and muscle control, my eye problems, blueness…I was told to increase my depression pill at night that was given to me to help me sleep through this trying time. Nothing else. No other tests. No pain meds. Nothing. I’m not a very happy camper, but as one friend said (I call her “JJ”), “Don’t lose faith; it’s just a setback. We have been there before.” Life. There are ups and downs. Sometimes the downs seem to be deeper than we think they should be, but believe it or not, I’m where I need to be.

  • “JJ” is 2nd from the left in photo above; only non-posed photo of my first wedding.

 

Have a great Friday and may your gardens grow bountifully filled with joy and goodness! Happy Gardening! 😀

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