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Archive for January 31st, 2013

I don’t like how I look—not totally. I like some on the outside and some on the inside but in my heart, I am that girl on my about page—a girl seeking great things in life—a girl who is not satisfied with how things are. I have been working on what I haven’t liked—or trying to. For years, I sacrificed for my family which wasn’t wrong—totally, but it hurt me physically because I have not been able to do things like most moms would do and that’s ok…really. I am blessed and because of these blessings I am posting this photo from Savannah. I hate the way I look in this but I absolutely love this photo with the girls. These are my babies 🙂 and this is their mom. 😀

 

Savannah JAN 2013

 

Happy Gardening!

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I have been running into more problems and trying to deal with them the best I can. It will be hit and miss for a long time I am afraid. Each day seems to bring something else. I discovered it was much easier to deal with my situation when I didn’t dwell on how long it had been. I was doing so at first, thinking we were moving forward—anticipating reconciliation. I didn’t know he was moving forward without me but I questioned it several times. It almost looks as if it was all planned—well orchestrated—if you look back over the year with him carefully using me and still is in many ways and probably always will. I think some people find pleasure in using others like this. Things are about to turn very ugly in my world and I don’t want to be a part of it but that is not why I am writing.  

 

This coming weekend marks a year since my husband left taking very few physical things with him when he first walked out but stole so much—so very much and stole is a nice way to put it. In reality, he left a long time ago when he decided to give up on our vows—his vow with God and his vow with me as with all of his family, too. I have had people tell me that I was dwelling in self-pity and to some extent I did but I also have not revealed everything in this blog—there is quite a bit people do not know and will not know. I play my hand close to my chest—I have always been a very private person. I believe in the goodness of people even when I see bad but I for the life of me cannot understand a man who can turn his back on his family and not lift a finger to help his children even if he has left his wife behind in order to start a new life—not even to call and wish them Happy Birthday or give them a card—a dollar card or less—something? Someone said that I should not badmouth him to the girls—I didn’t and covered up for him for so long because he does all of it by himself, showing his true colors. We sow what we reap…and we reap what we sow.

 

On the flip side, I became tired of people feeling sorry for me. I have a friend who tells this meaning it very sincerely but it hurts each time I hear it. I don’t want pity and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I have never wanted pity in all of my life. I have only desired understanding—knowing what it is like to walk in my shoes at times rather than judging. I try to do the same for others but I know I could do so much better. To me, I have many friends–and not superficial ones. These are friends, people, who would stop and give me the shirt from their back if I needed it and some have offered to that extent. I have an open invitation to some friends’ homes to live should I need it and I am unsure if that will not be the case before his year is over. There are people I have never met, some who read my blog, that are the same way. This humbles me more than anyone can know. 🙂 (topic for another posting 😀 )

 

When my husband left a year ago (shy a few days) he texted me with these words, “I’ll be back,” to let me know we were working on our marriage and also told me how much he loved and cared for me. I believed him. Whether he ever meant any of it…I don’t know…and in reality, it doesn’t matter. Whatever happens in life, whatever decisions we all make and consequences we have to live with, may they never be filled with regret and may we always show kindness to others. Excuse me while I take a moment. You may have noticed my absence lately. It is a daily step, a walk, a journey. My husband has not existed to me for two months now—I have done everything I can to purge his memory from my life but you know, the ghost still lives here, a memory just as if he were truly dead but seems to be everywhere and I refuse to allow myself to think in the manner that I did. There are many friends of mine who have lost their spouses to death. My heart is pained by their loss–a spouse who truly loved them. It hurts me even more because of their loss. (another topic for a blog posting 😀 ) 

 

Have a great Thursday and may all of your dreams become reality with no regrets while walking in the shoes of others. Happy Gardening! 😀

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