A New Day

I was a shy child—sometimes people try to see me as shy. My daughters don’t believe I ever was. Deep down I am shy but I am also resilient and push myself. I have a lot of self-control—or used to 🙂 –I would make myself overcome things that crossed my path.

 

One Friday night I was doing my usual working the floor at the restaurant (Friday nights were our busiest) which meant, I was in charge of everything—a great power trip—well, until someone comes running out of the restroom to tell me the men’s toilet was clogged. I was the best handy-man around so I head straight to the back and get some plastic bags and such—knock on the door and head in to find water spilling over the side of the toilet. I had to do that terrible thing of reaching into the toilet and I didn’t shy away from it. I knew I had to clean up and get back taking care of customers. I did my part and got an employee to finish up.

 

To get to this point, somewhere along the way I became less shy. It was a power trip being able to do so much and think fast on my feet. It was constant and I enjoyed it immensely. I didn’t like the politics but I loved the rush that work gave me. Toilets…not so much 😀 .

 

I am in unfamiliar territory. Hiding because a person has taken something away from me is tearing me apart. I will see a counselor today (Monday) about what happened to me years ago. I get to relive that night again and that to me is so very scary. I had someone tell me that I should be over it since it was so long ago but this is a lot like grief. If it isn’t handled correctly, then there is this part of me that cries out. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to put it together. I guess it was because I acted like it didn’t happen.

 

If you have ever been taken advantage of against your will and you had to fight your attacker, you want to have that peace of mind again. You want to take back what was stolen—or I do anyway. I want the person to never have that control over me again—no control. I want to be able to walk away so I can have peace of mind. This is why I had such a difficult time with my to-be-ex-husband. I was fighting for control and he kept taking everything I worked so hard for in an instant. I practiced—going through the various scenarios and then he would swoop in and in a matter of moments I was in tears. It is terrifying to think I may never reach the point I need to be to have that control.

 

Some people have judged me harshly and that is not fair but what I need is to learn how to deal with that. I feel that I am attacked in some ways. I need my voice again and to be able to stand up to those who try to take things away. I am not that shy child anymore but I have been abused and I didn’t help things by sweeping them under the rug.

 

So, today begins a new day and hopefully I can learn to stand again and feel good about myself. It isn’t easy. I would much rather face grief or even a clogged toilet but I have to do this. There comes a time where the evil from that night long ago has to find its way to the light of day. I am apprehensive but I am hopeful. 🙂

 

😀