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Archive for November 9th, 2014

A fellow blogger did a wonderful little post about loving others and how it is sometimes easy to love those who hate you but hard to love those who are supposed to love you. That’s true you know. We don’t expect to have the ones we trust with our love to stab us in the back or worse…stab us in the face. This wasn’t what he was trying to say but we don’t really expect them to abuse us but sometimes they do. It doesn’t mean that we are not supposed to forgive–we are–but we must be willing to protect ourselves. And this leads me to where I am…

 

Many years ago I was dating someone. He raped me. I am just now able to mouth those words. I can’t make that go away and I can’t make it sound pretty or attractive for good reason. My mother never knew. My children hadn’t been born yet and they never knew. I may have told one person something about it but not all of it…I don’t remember if I ever said anything to anyone at the time. I was so ashamed. I buried it so deep that only tears could come out at first when I was remembering about that night.

 

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By Abby Bischoff (link) at flickr

Terms of use (link) – Creative Commons [no changes made]

 

I wasn’t being careless or risky. I trusted the person. I also forgave that person and maybe I shouldn’t have or at least so easily. You see, I later married him and he is the father of my children. He was my partner, my significant other…my best friend and the last person I ever planned to be with. He is also the one that cheated…the one who cannot tell the truth if his life depended on it. He is the one that made my life a living hell and still has control over too much of my life because of choices he has made and continues to make.

 

A lot of things I am dealing with now are depending on how I can handle this. Once Pandora’s Box is opened, things don’t like to fit back inside. I am still seeing someone for counseling. It is the most liberating part of my life. I am finally able to talk freely and honestly without worry that I will be judged. Each time I see her, she tells me to be good to myself and treat me like I would treat my daughters if this had happened to them. 🙂 That has been such good advice because I never looked at it that way.

 

Imagine your daughter being raped. Perhaps you have had that experience yourself or a friend or a daughter or son even. I have been much too hard on myself. Seeing it from this new perspective is very rewarding in the sense that I can forgive myself for not speaking up, for marrying him because I thought he was honest. I am not a bad person but I began to think it and that it was my fault like he had told me years ago. Even when we know something rationally, sometimes we don’t react rationally. I think it is because we are in the thick of things.

 

There are parts of me that are being torn out and put back together. I am finding where the voids are in my life and trying to fill them in with good things—good memories. I was never abused or neglected when growing up. My first marriage didn’t go well. I married an alcoholic—I didn’t know. I tried to make it work but I couldn’t. It takes two people to make a relationship work…two honest people. I did my best in both marriages. I went beyond what was asked of me…I did my best. But, the other person didn’t meet me and didn’t walk with me. I did not receive the respect I should have had in either marriage. I thought it was enough but it wasn’t.

 

I have been hard on myself because I have blamed myself for the failures of two marriages but I forget that it takes two to make it. I can get behind that horse and push him as hard as I can but if he won’t budge then I am out of luck. 🙂 I can dangle a carrot in front of the horse but unless the horse wants to move, I can only do what I can do and no more. I don’t take “no” very well…I am very determined but I can’t blame myself.

 

That is where I am right now. I can’t pretend everything is great–it’s not but I am working through it. Getting to a healthy point in life is my goal right now. I can’t let people tear me down. If I seem to be a little assertive more than usual it is for good reason–I’m learning to take up for myself and protect myself. I can never allow myself to be taken advantage of to that point again. Trust was already difficult but now you know why it is even more difficult. Have a great day…and great week! 🙂

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