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Archive for the ‘Bucket List’ Category

Meditation can help with fears. Do you know how to meditate? I began taking the first steps of meditation back in high school. I studied and tried some methods and then I met a guy who practiced meditation on a daily basis. He was unique—he had a wooden board thrust in his eye when he was young. Pieces of wood or splinters were lodged behind his eyeball for years. Ewwww. 😦 There was no damage to the nerve but those pieces were left behind. He learned to meditate each day concentrating on getting the small slivers of wood to the “surface.” Our minds are very powerful.

 

I use meditation to help me avoid seizures, to ease blood pressure, to help with chronic pain, to calm me when things get out of hand, but sometimes none of the “tricks” work. There are a variety of ways to get to that special place in your mind–the sanctuary–that place of peace and contentment. Some people use imagery. Some start with prayer. Some use relaxation techniques or a blend of these. Whatever way you choose, a disciplined individual can practice meditation in a variety of ways. 

 

I have chosen to write about my deepest fear—the one thing that meditation cannot fix and that is the fear of rejection. When I was young, my dad insisted on me being the best because he knew I would have difficulties along the way. He believed that if I were the best I could be, it would help avoid those instances where people will reject you (me). He had no idea he was setting up a cycle that I would learn to repeat over and over because I never felt good enough.

 

Kids need to be praised and their achievements need to be celebrated not for what is to come but for the present—what is now–today–this moment. I didn’t really have that. Even when I made the highest grades and was a high achiever, it was not good enough. I cannot find fault with my parents but I never felt good enough. I would make a 99 on a paper and my dad would ask why did I not get a 100. Emphasis was given to become better but never achieving it. It’s like the ring one keeps reaching for but never able to attain. I find it a little ironic that he never saw me graduate from college…with honors. I did not achieve honors for myself but to gain admiration from my parents–I sought their approval. It was an end goal and intrinsic motivation was passed over.

 

All my life I have wanted to do things but I settled for something else. When I graduated from college and interviewed with companies, they could only see me as a female—I didn’t measure up. Everything I have reached for I have turned away because I kept saying I couldn’t and others reinforced that same thought. My dream was to go into oceanography (thanks Flipper and the many trips to Florida to visit my granddad). My dad kept telling me to do what I wanted but then would say I couldn’t do this basically because of my disability, I guess, so I settled for something else. I have talked about entering college as a physics major and then ending up with a degree in math and one in computer science. I was conflicted in high school–such an impressionable time. This is not a post about what I should have done but rather a post of why I always settled for second best or worse.

 

I never treated myself to things…I didn’t go places I should have gone because I was always doing things for other people. I blamed myself for the failure of my first marriage but in reality, I tried so very hard. I chose to forget that because there were so many painful memories. Being married to a drunk (that sounds awful) was not what I bargained for but I did not know he was like that. He never got drunk like that when we were dating. Getting back in touch with him last year made me remember how I would come home after working sometimes 12 hours (on my feet) and then having to clean up after him night after night and that was after dealing with customers and employees and everything from A to Z.

 

There are always at least two sides to a story but my side goes like this–he wasn’t working because of an accident at work and I was working sometimes 60-80 hours a week. I should have left him but I was trying to make it work. Later, I did a really good job at suppressing the truth because the truth hurts. I am my harshest critic and believe things are my fault. He wouldn’t admit there was a problem with his drinking. I tried to get us to go to AA but he wouldn’t and the fights increased. I wanted safety and love but it wasn’t there in my marriage. When I tried to talk issues and solutions, he told me that one never gives more than half (he wasn’t willing). I felt I was giving more than half and I wasn’t getting anything back. Marriage isn’t supposed to be this way.

 

When my mom got ill, I moved back to care for her. Before I remarried, I was raped and I did a terrific job of suppressing what happened. I made it ok in my mind with the person’s insistence that it was my fault. It was wrong to hide it but it was the best way that I could deal with it—it’s never ok when someone takes advantage of you. I raised a family—I cared for my mom and then my grandmother, my children, my husband—I sacrificed so they would be successful. I did this because I loved them. But in the end, no one was taking care of me. My second husband didn’t. He didn’t have my back like he said he would. I made excuses for him my whole marriage. I remember times where I wanted to leave but I talked myself into staying because I settled. I didn’t want to harm the children. I gave up so they would have.

 

That fear–rejection–has been following me all of my life. I still hear my dad’s voice—“Why isn’t it a 100?” I loved my dad but I didn’t grow up like I should have and I hope I have not repeated his mistake with my children.

 

I went to visit an old friend in Texas almost 2 years ago. He wanted to get married. It was my Romeo story except he turned out not to be so much of a Romeo. I don’t know what happened–not exactly. He’s the one that got way from me and I’m the one that got away from him. It seemed perfect at first but sometimes you cannot pick up where you leave off. He is older and was ready to retire–me, not so much ready to retire or ready to clean up after another man. There were some red flags I should have seen. He has changed and I’m sure I have, too. I felt rejected–that dreadful feeling. Gosh! I fight that feeling that I am not good enough almost every day.

 

I don’t know how to be good to me. I have always pushed myself to do things until now. I am the type of person who must have things to drive me—self-motivation. I was the center of my family. I was like the watch keeper. I set the tempo and drove the ‘bus’ so that everyone got to where they were going on time. I was the organizer. I was the cog—that central hub.

 

I want to have fun. I want to dance again. I want to see the northern lights. I want to visit Ireland. I want to visit the Lia Fáil. 😀 I want to take some time with my children and do things with them before it is too late. I want to make this a reality. I want to live. I want to finish the stories I began writing. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to settle–to take what is last or to wait until it’s my turn. I don’t want to feel rejected in everything I do.

Lia Fáil – from wikipedia. Common usage license – no changes.

 

I am fine at times but then I hit a bump in the road of life. That’s when I hear my dad’s voice. I tell myself everyday that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but I still feel that I’m not good enough. Do you know that between two husbands, I probably can count how many times I was thanked or congratulated on cooking a meal on two hands–about 25 years…and I tried to be thankful to them for the smallest things. To be happy once again, I have to get rid of the feeling that I am not deserving, unworthy, and not good enough. I am working on it and my aim in life is to be good to me. I’m trying… So, be good to you, too. 🙂

 

Have a great day/night. 🙂

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Whether you are Irish by blood, have adopted Ireland as the Motherland, or are just a tad partial to green…this is the day we all remember our Irish roots. I have wanted to go to Ireland since I was a wee child, when I learned that my paternal grandmother’s family line left there … but it was way back in the 1700s. Ireland holds mystery because I don’t know the reasons they left but I feel sure they were oppressed in some way or at least saw the move as a positive one with hopes and dreams for the future…for generations to come.

We tend to look at Ireland through rose colored glasses—we see the intrigue, mystery, unknown…we see the good things—positive things. Heck, Ireland is about half the size of Georgia (ok, it’s a little larger than half) and there are castles everywhere. Who wouldn’t be fascinated? Only someone that sees that type of thing all of the time—duh 😀 . I didn’t know until this year that giant sequoias grow in Ireland. There is much more and history is just a part of it.

 

Ireland…(BIG sigh)…if I could, I would leave today and it would be an extended trip… Hey! It’s my dream 😉 . I would stay at least for 6 months (more) to do some family digging, to visit places I want to see… Hey, it’s a dream. Throw a harp in there while we are it 😆 . Excuse me while I go back to dreaming… 

  

Oh, and it wouldn’t be Ireland to me without a little Enya…

😀

 

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

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Ok, so I’ve lost my mind. Is it really a bad thing? 🙂 I had a wonderful time on vacation—an impromptu one—just the best. I am still smiling and I am torn on what to share. From my pessimistic viewpoint, I am scared that future plans may not materialize for one reason or another but I never thought last week would either. Be careful what you ask for.

 

You know that part where you list your status on things…single, married, etc.? Let’s just say that I’m no longer available. 😀 And, I am extremely happy. The movies aren’t this good. Even if things go south, I have been given such a great gift. If I were to die today—not planning on it—I will die one happy woman. 😀

 

I will say this…this is not someone I just met but someone I knew a long time ago, someone that I had a thing for and evidently still do. There is such a great story to tell and I hope I can tell it all someday soon but right now, there will be just bits and pieces.

 

Many girls (me included) spend so many waking hours and many sleeping ones, too, dreaming of the perfect guy. We know what he looks like, how he smells, how he walks and carries himself…we don’t tend to dream of the person who completes us, just who we idolize. Sometimes it is the same person and sometimes not. Hmmmmm…giggle…giggle… 😀

 

Lastly for today, rarely do we get a second chance, but a third chance? It is almost unheard of. This is our third chance—probably our last. We are taking advantage of it. Please wish us the best. And, in his words to me, “We are playing for keeps and you aren’t going to get away this time.” …giggle…giggle… 😀 😀 😀

 

Happy Gardening and may all of your gardens grow bountifully and be eternally blessed! 😀

😀 …giggle…giggle… 😀

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Twenty three years ago today it was snowing here which is unusual to begin with. Two days before Christmas, a Saturday, and I could not sleep the night before just as a child waiting for Santa to deliver gifts. Every 15-20 minutes I checked to see how much snow had accumulated scared that the drive I was about to make that next morning would not happen. You know how it is in the southeast—salt and sand are not readily available and spreaders have to be leased to apply them to the roads.

 

It was my wedding day. Nothing fancy this time. Just flowers, rings, and a very nervous stomach, oh, and the bride and groom of course. I wasn’t going to write about this day or the meaning I have cherished all of these years and I am still not going to write about it. I have boxed up all of my wedding memories, photos, anniversary cards, gifts, mementos, everything is gone from sight, even the rings. I have anticipated this very painful day for a while. I am dealing with it in my own way.

wikipedia

 

I need something to signify that I have made a change in my life and I am not going back. It is the start of a new life for me, but what could give me that permanent feeling of separation and newness of life? A tattoo and before anyone says anything, this is my decision. I have long said I would never get a tattoo. Ask the girls about the years I have spent telling them what the consequences are if you do.

 

I asked several people what they thought and I narrowed it down to these choices… a dolphin, a butterfly, a heart, a cross, or a flower—not a rose. I want something that will exemplify me—something that will show what is really important. Someone 😉 suggested a cross with a heart 😀 and if I get the artist’s permission, I will show it to you. It will appear on my front shoulder so that I will remember the change I am making. This symbolizes exactly who I am. It could not be more perfect. I wanted to get it done today but being it is Sunday it will wait until after Christmas. That is fine. This will show the step I am making as I start the New Year–2013.

 

People who see me out and about these days want to know what has changed in me. My heart has changed. I have really come home and I am ready to deal with what comes next. It is great to feel good inside. My faith is my solace, my strength, and my refuge. My heart is what ties them all together and leads me in the path that I need to go.

 

So as I close this blog post, there are no tears, no sad feelings because I look to the future, to God, and walk forward. May your day be blessed and your life be filled with eternal happiness!!!

Happy Gardening today and forever! 😀

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It was a working weekend and I overdid. The person who used to share my life (and our my bed) came to help my daughter clean the yard Saturday morning. Shocking, right? She asked him one more time to come to help but thought he would not come. I had places to be (tatting class for one) but opted to stay home to make sure things went ok—right choice. The neighbor lady came and helped us on Sunday and I paid her yard man to haul the yard waste away Tuesday—YEA!!!!! The front yard does not look like a jungle anymore but the back…well, I’ll get back to you on that. The individual who came Saturday cut that big limb and cut the weeds in the backyard. It is the most work this man has done in years–real work–really. We pruned the bushes in the front so bare that there are only about 20 leaves per bush now.

 

I passed out Friday morning…the increase in depression medicine is not going well. I was washing my hands in the kitchen sink then reached back for a towel and back I went—straight back—wham on the floor. Not a great feeling. Last night, I fell on my way back to bed. Two pills made me extremely moody, agitated, and I was having muscle tremors and the headaches were worse. I was supposed to increase to 3 pills this week, but I have decided to go back to one pill to help me sleep like it was originally prescribed and possibly go off this medicine. I can see why they say to watch for suicidal tendencies. I have never been able to take any type of depression medicine–too many side effects and other meds interfere with them.

 

  • Things are coming together—finally—at least in the virtual world. There are links to my other two blogs but the one with the book is not quite ready—so close that I have butterflies—notice the photos to the right.
  • I have added a page for my bucket list and will keep it updated–possibly better than my memory quilts and other projects.
  • Some of the plants are ready to be set out for our fall garden but I need to get azaleas and whatever else.
  • And, I have decided on a cell phone–I delayed it to this week when the foot traffic is a little less than it was last week due to the I-phone 5. No, I do not want an I-phone… 😀 Today should be the day. I’m excited!!!!

 

Have a great day (and rest of the week) and may you have a wonderful harvest from all your gardens! Happy Gardening! 😀

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wikipedia

For so many years I have lived cautiously not wanting to put lives at risk—mine and others. In the true sense of spirit of a bucket list caution is put to the side in order to live experiences we would normally turn against. Much of my list does not ‘throw caution to the wind’ so to speak. Most items are ways to experience new levels of happiness and contentment—to be able to make those instances become lasting memories—many items are things I have wanted all of my life.

 

webshots–surelyyoujest100

  • 21.    Find true love in a mate—someone who loves me for who I am and wants to be with me through thick and thin; to be there to hold me when I’m having problems and wants to protect me from all kinds of hurt; someone who wants to care for me and I for him for as long as I live—for the rest of our lives.
  • 22.    Dance with my mate every night (Could I Have This Dance-link)
  • 23.    To be married in a church or chapel
  • 24.    Stay in a cabin with the love of my life (snowed in for a few days)
  • 25.    Go horseback riding (I’ve always wanted to own horses)
  • 26.    Grandchildren if/when my girls decide to have children
  • 27.    Visit Niagara Falls
  • 28.    Visit Ireland
  • 29.    Visit Machu Picchu
  • 30.    Write something that makes a difference in someone’s life and for family/friends to be proud of me—not for prestige, power, or money.

wikipedia

We all—most of us—want to be appreciated for what we do—to know we are making a positive difference in our little world. Most of us want to be loved and have a desire to give of ourselves. I’m like that. I don’t feel complete unless I can give and I don’t feel whole unless I am loved. It wasn’t until this year that I wanted to visit Niagara Falls–maybe as a honeymoon thing since we never really had one or perhaps a “new” one ?? Then a blogging friend’s daughters took a trip this summer which made me want to visit even more. What can I say? I love waterfalls but do not like lots of people. 🙂

 

wikipedia

May all of your dreams come true! Happy Gardening! 😀

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My bucket list – cont’d

(Excuse me but I omitted photos and links at first)

The Grand Hall
from theblueridgehighlander

wikipedia

wikipedia

These are all self-indulgences. What can I say? It’s the kid in me…

Happy Gardening and may your gardens grow an endless bounty all through the year! 🙂

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