Archive for the ‘New Leaves’ Category


I’ve decided to add my stories here – I have a ton and they are slipping away. I’ve been down this road before – wanting to share my stories – but I was always guarded, didn’t want ppl to know too much, didn’t want to be judged, and didn’t want stalkers. I need to decide on which ones can be told and in what order. I’m sure some I’ve told before won’t exactly match the details now. Well, that’s what happens when one’s memory starts to flicker. πŸ™‚


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Medical Update

I’ve been having issues with my cerebral AVM. Seizures were being controlled with meds but they have been making an appearance recently – not full blown but some numbing with greater frequency. With the pandemic last year the neurologist and hospital didn’t want me to come in unless I really needed to. My apppintments kept being pushed back and they now have to fit with daughter’s schedule. Office called today to move next week’s appointment. Sigh. It’s fine I guess but he leaves the practice at the end of the month when I get another doctor assigned to me so hopefully that will be worked out next year. In the meantime I need an MRI. I hate the things. With my back degeneration it’s impossible to lie still in the same position for the approximate hour it takes. I used to do it with no problem. I’ve had many of the boogers along the way..used to be every 5-7 years then every 2-3 years. It’s been 4.5 years now so I’m overdue. I slipped last night and find it more difficult to concentrate lately. This doctor thinks the hot poker pain in my face are actually seizures coupled with trigeminal neuralgia. The TN I can vouch for and I think he’s right about the other. He’s not the best neurologist but not the worst either. Of course none have ever seen a case like mine. I was always like the guinea pig – all types of tests. My file used to be the size of a large volume. Today, it’s all digital and most of the earlier records are gone. “We” have been doing this since 1970. There’s a lot of history but most are only interested in what they see in the present.

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Sugar, Music, Childhood

I was telling the story about when I was little – under school-age – and remember waiting in line for our turn of platters of brightly colored sugar cubes aka polio vaccine – I think I’ve told this on the blog before. My best friend and her sister were with me – bf was/is 7 months older than me – her sister is 3 years older. We were instructed to take only one cube. Lol. You know where this is going… The sister and I look over and bestie is taking several cubes. Her sister whacked her then chastised her for taking more than one asking how many had she eaten. I thought – oh no, and worried what would happen – would she die, get sick, other?

These two were also my partners in crime for so many things. We were always in trouble but I was mainly following along ..honest.. I really was .. taking notes. πŸ˜‰ We also went to the movies together..my parents usually took us..movies like The Sounds of Music, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Mary Poppins which brings us to the song – “Just a Spoonful of Sugar.” Now you see where this is going .. I hope. The convo I was in was about the brother duo who wrote that song. It was a nice little chat of memories and learning new things. And then I later had a surprise when one of the sons followed me. Hey, it’s not royalty but I was thrilled. I’m not lost on the fact that most ppl follow and friend others for self gain. Well, that road goes both ways. Hey ..thrills.. πŸ˜€

Happy Gardening. πŸ™‚

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Social Media

I’m still going through my wordpress blogs, comments, administrator settings, blogs I’m subscribed to, etc. It’s only been 3 years but I feel like I’m trying to raise the dead. Out of over 100 (more like 200) blogs I was subscribed to about 30 are still up and less than 10 are active. There have been quite a few deaths. Many stopped around the time I stopped. Interesting. One thing about social media is that you need to have traffic to keep ppl interested and growing. Blogging is different from other SM like Facebook and Twitter. It depends on your settings and how many ppl you follow or friend but Twitter newsfeed is like a fast moving train. There is no slowing down for entering or exiting the tram. Just jump and hope you make it.

I remember when I first joined Twitter in 2015 – I felt so exposed but followed ppl I had “met” – mostly ppl on other forums – some IRL. I’ve been more open here than I am on Twitter. I don’t usually cross platforms bc there are ppl who still wish bad things on me and it’s no different there. Death threats seem to be a keyboard warrior’s nirvana.

For the past 12+ years I’ve studied behavior of ppl on various sites – even my own behavior. Too bad I didn’t get paid. I would be filthy rich by now. I have seen good, bad, indifferent. I’ve watched ppl display personas that were completely fictional. I’ve watched ppl play the victim to gain attention and I’ve watched them manipulate others for their gain. In real life I was good at reading ppl through mannerisms which you don’t have the luxury on printed media. I’ve had to adjust. I find it all fascinating.

To end, I’m still feeling my way back to the blogosphere. I can’t say I’m optimistic but maybe cautiously so. Have a good one. πŸ™‚

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What’s New

Hot button issues..let’s get some of those out of the way. COVID has taken the world. I guess that’s a big topic. It is in circles I’m in. First off, I’m vaccinated. Completed my Pfizer jabs in April. All went well. Completed my shingles series earlier this year. First one of those put me in the bed for about 2 weeks. I was really sick. Second-nothing. I have no problem with vaccines-I don’t understand the uproar-well, I understand it from a behavior point of view. I remember when the community received sugar cubes for polio. There is a story about social media for another day but my great uncle was a pharmacist. His brother was a medical doctor. So was his son. We take medicine pretty serious. Ppl I knew died from COVID last year..more this year. I’ve never seen medicine and science as political but rather common sense.

Politics I’m skipping for now. Moving on to weather. It’s getting cooler. It’s a nice change but I’m getting tired of hot weather and cold weather. I don’t have central heat or A/C any longer so it’s tough at times. This summer hasn’t been so bad. Last February I thought the cat and I would freeze to death. It wouldn’t warm up. There’s only so much 30-40 degree (F) high temps I can take with a space heater but we made it. Not sure how many more years I have. My memory is going and it won’t take much to get me down for good. Fell in the tub one night and kept thinking..what will the girls do when they find me days later? I made it out after some time but I made some changes. More on my health later.

And then we come to what I have been avoiding posting. For years I searched for meaning in life. I believed if I shared what was important to me that I would find others with similar quests – and answers. What I found wasn’t what I sought. I came from a background of love and inclusion – not this exclusion type of belief. I met ppl from all walks of life and various religious beliefs. It was the best thing that I could have been exposed to. I saw the goodness of others and the bad..I saw ppl posing as good who were really selfish and bigots..can I say that? I had a love of life and ppl. I wanted to share that with others. I was shocked at ppl on social media and in real life. Friends weren’t really friends. I had to learn to accept that and it was tough. By 2017, I was trying to rationalize my belief in a god of love compared to a god who would send ppl to an eternity of hell for lack of belief or they didn’t pray the right prayer or they weren’t baptized with the right amount of water or someone didn’t chant the right incantation at the right time or they didn’t give enough – tithe or gift – or their heart wasn’t pure enough or they just didn’t ask for forgiveness……and on and on. By 2018, I was trying to hang onto my faith by saying I believed in a universal god – that everyone was included in the eternity of the next life and not judged that their god was the wrong one. That didn’t last long and I knew it wouldn’t. I knew where I was headed. I didn’t want to let go but by end of 2018 I left my faith. I’ve needed to write about this for a long time. Ppl have asked me why and there are a lot of reasons but the biggest one was that my god – my god belief – just wasn’t big enough. That’s the simple truth of it. Today I am a humanist.

Something happened when I realized this. The conflict was over. I felt a weight lifted. I also felt that I had to give up everything to get to this point of peace and I do mean peace. It was the most energizing peace I have felt for the longest time. You see there was a thing about non belief that I began to admire and that is the good ppl do is genuine. There is no threat of hell or promise of heaven. It’s purely doing for one another. As I learned in my newfound belief or non belief I also realized I was living on faith but without faith. Now that sounds strange but you can actually hold on too tight. It’s not really faith. So when I left I felt I was living more like what I was supposed to be living as a Christian. I’ve lost friends because of this change and others have distanced themselves from me. It is what it is. There is way more about this I want to write but not now. I will have to add that all of the ppl who used to yell at me every day that I was going to hell when I was a Christian….well, that had an impact and so did the many ppl who judged others so harshly. I also learned that just as all theists are not alike — neither are atheists. I don’t fit in there either. So as usual I’m marching to the beat of my own drum – singing my own tune – and learning that isn’t such a bad thing. πŸ™‚

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It’s been so long since I’ve written a blog post I’ve practically forgotten how .. not to mention everything has changed. Well, that makes two of us. I switched to other social media platforms to interact with ppl in the moment or closer to it. There are good and bad points to both. Let me see how this goes before I post anymore. I’m sure my followers are all gone. I know some have passed away. If I can figure this out I might see if I can post more.

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