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Posts Tagged ‘AVM’

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I had a reaction to the medicine I began taking yesterday. It is called Flagyl or the generic, Metronidazole. Sometimes being short has its advantages like when I fell last night. I didn’t have very far to go but I hit my head and some other great things happened. I also started to experience numbness like when I have a seizure.. twice.. earlier. I spent some time on the floor but luckily my daughter was here at the time.

 
Last year it was Cipro. I took one pill and I was on the floor within 30 minutes and remained there all day and part of the night. My BP began dropping, more like nose-diving. I could not raise my head. That is some nasty stuff. 😦
 
 
Whether it is because I have an AVM or other vascular issues or due to my taking Phenytoin nearly 85% of my life (I began to say 90% but did the calculation 🙂 ), I have no idea. I found warnings for people with seizures and who take Phenytoin. Hello, (hand wave)… that’s me. The seizures are usually controlled but the warning is there so this will not happen.
 
Hey…
  • I am not the bacteria. 😀
Happy Gardening and may you have no problems with any medications! 😀

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While I was in the hospital being diagnosed for my AVM, I met a boy who had a brain tumor—he was a couple of years older than me. The boy, he was cute by the way. 🙂 While we were in the hospital, we played games, talked like kids–like what preteens talk about, just tried to have fun.

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He was really nice…as far as boys go 😉 . I was at the age I could take them or leave them. I think he was about the same but maybe more interested in girls than I was aware. He was very considerate. His mom knew he was a treasure and she remained by his side.

 

You know, parents don’t tell children everything. Since I was an only child I was rather selfish at times. I didn’t mean to be that way. I was spoiled. I wasn’t always like that. I have huge amounts of compassion for people and this story is probably a big reason why.

 

The boy was not going to live according to my mom or that is what she said later on. In fact, I remember looking through the obituaries for his death a few times. The doctors had cut out as much tumor as they could but they could not save him. As my mom and I were packing up to leave for home, she asked me if I wanted to leave a game or puzzle or something with the “the boy next door.” I didn’t understand. The item in question was a gift to me while in the hospital so I said no.

 

I have regretted that decision for more than 40 years because I was not aware of his prognosis at the time. How selfish we are sometimes. I wasn’t a selfish child all of the time. I tried to see things from different points of view—perspectives. I credit my mom with this. She helped me to see a bigger picture. I sure miss that about her.

 

I remember he told me that I was lucky to be leaving the hospital or more like jail. We joked about that…like we were inmates. 😀 I was innocent back then believing all things were good–that people would be healed. I had no idea. I believe he knew about my condition but I did not know about his—not the severity. I was greatly disappointed when it was time to be discharged and he was not in his room for me to say my final goodbye. I remember passing by and seeing his empty bed. He was out having more tests. He told me how he had asked the doctors not to cut on him anymore so it was just a matter of time. 😦

 

Those few days and he had touched my heart–very deeply. 🙂 I remember him to this day. I miss him as strange as that sounds and I did not get to say my last goodbye. 😐

 

May we all take time to spend with others–to give when we should–to care…

and the part that I really like is to give a hug and…to take one, too. 🙂

Happy Gardening! 😀

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I am a child of God. I was born with a deformity that I never liked to discuss and now it has made itself the focus of my life—it is a thorn in my side—my head—and everything else. I have dealt with it pretty well over the years but God has taken care of me—always. My dad was my true guardian for many years. That task was handed over to a couple of people afterwards. I am to be cared for as strange as that sounds and as independent as I may be. I worried about it for a while but always God has provided.

 

I asked for Him to provide last year in specifics and God did 🙂 . I didn’t even realize it until later and I laughed because it was so evident when I looked back. I needed help to get through some hard times. I have had that help in several ways. I still need help. I have been having some health issues I haven’t been comfortable discussing in public and I withdrew into a shell the past several weeks. I also had to face my husband not long ago with courage and determination but he managed to take away everything I had worked so hard for—integrity and respect as he tore me down in order to build himself up.

 

It wasn’t until last week that I realized God removed him from my life because he was not the one to continue to care for me. Wow! He made the choice and God took care of me just like He said He would. Faith… Faith that moves mountains. It is what we hold on to. It is what connects us to God. Without faith, we are nothing just as we are nothing without God. I have spent many posts saying how I am just a normal person—not better than anyone—not special…but truth is…I am…we all are 😀 .

 

If you have need to have enough faith to move mountains—do not believe it cannot be done–BELIEVE. I am proof that faith moves mountains…from my birth to my life in school to my family—my daughters—and even until today—it continues. 😀 Faith… 😀 😀 😀 … I began to doubt—not in God but that I will be ok. Praise God.

  

Happy Gardening! 😀 Take care!!!! 🙂

 

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4th of July Parade - Mom is on the right

4th of July Parade – Mom is on the right

Ok….this is going to be a tough post. On 27 FEB 1993 (20 years ago) I got a call from the hospital that morning saying I needed to hurry. My mom was in her last hours and in fact didn’t last 3 hours. We knew it was coming but I don’t think you are ever fully prepared. Something had happened with her care—a feeding tube had been wrongly inserted some days back and there was nothing I could do. I had watched her suffer for so long even before the stroke 2 years before. She had a hard life. Falling into the hot embers when she was young, losing the babies, me having problems with my AVM, so many health problems for her—the RA was the worst, and then losing my dad to cancer, a major stroke, and on and on. It didn’t seem to stop. And, she didn’t.

 

081512-1She faced so much and she did so with boundless determination. I remember this more than anything and it has helped me to face what has seemed to be the impossible. I know that my children will take this same determination with them in order to conquer their hurdles and overcome obstacles along their journey. I miss my mom more in times of trouble but I remember her always. I hope that the girls will remember me the same way—it will help them later. It is a perspective thing and they have more appreciation for adversity and trials than I did at their age. I hope that is a good thing—I know that is a good thing.

 

We don’t know why things happen. I have heard people blame God for them but He is not to blame. I have heard people say it is Karma but it isn’t. Life… Life throws so many things at us. Sometimes, too many at a time or what we think is too many. One step…sometimes baby steps…is what we have to do.

 

Mom, I miss you and have missed you for 20 years. I wish you could see how the girls have grown not just in stature but in wisdom. You would be so proud. Thank you for all you have done.

 

May your day be blessed and your gardens bring you peace and harmony and so very much happiness! Happy Gardening! 😀

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I have been running into more problems and trying to deal with them the best I can. It will be hit and miss for a long time I am afraid. Each day seems to bring something else. I discovered it was much easier to deal with my situation when I didn’t dwell on how long it had been. I was doing so at first, thinking we were moving forward—anticipating reconciliation. I didn’t know he was moving forward without me but I questioned it several times. It almost looks as if it was all planned—well orchestrated—if you look back over the year with him carefully using me and still is in many ways and probably always will. I think some people find pleasure in using others like this. Things are about to turn very ugly in my world and I don’t want to be a part of it but that is not why I am writing.  

 

This coming weekend marks a year since my husband left taking very few physical things with him when he first walked out but stole so much—so very much and stole is a nice way to put it. In reality, he left a long time ago when he decided to give up on our vows—his vow with God and his vow with me as with all of his family, too. I have had people tell me that I was dwelling in self-pity and to some extent I did but I also have not revealed everything in this blog—there is quite a bit people do not know and will not know. I play my hand close to my chest—I have always been a very private person. I believe in the goodness of people even when I see bad but I for the life of me cannot understand a man who can turn his back on his family and not lift a finger to help his children even if he has left his wife behind in order to start a new life—not even to call and wish them Happy Birthday or give them a card—a dollar card or less—something? Someone said that I should not badmouth him to the girls—I didn’t and covered up for him for so long because he does all of it by himself, showing his true colors. We sow what we reap…and we reap what we sow.

 

On the flip side, I became tired of people feeling sorry for me. I have a friend who tells this meaning it very sincerely but it hurts each time I hear it. I don’t want pity and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I have never wanted pity in all of my life. I have only desired understanding—knowing what it is like to walk in my shoes at times rather than judging. I try to do the same for others but I know I could do so much better. To me, I have many friends–and not superficial ones. These are friends, people, who would stop and give me the shirt from their back if I needed it and some have offered to that extent. I have an open invitation to some friends’ homes to live should I need it and I am unsure if that will not be the case before his year is over. There are people I have never met, some who read my blog, that are the same way. This humbles me more than anyone can know. 🙂 (topic for another posting 😀 )

 

When my husband left a year ago (shy a few days) he texted me with these words, “I’ll be back,” to let me know we were working on our marriage and also told me how much he loved and cared for me. I believed him. Whether he ever meant any of it…I don’t know…and in reality, it doesn’t matter. Whatever happens in life, whatever decisions we all make and consequences we have to live with, may they never be filled with regret and may we always show kindness to others. Excuse me while I take a moment. You may have noticed my absence lately. It is a daily step, a walk, a journey. My husband has not existed to me for two months now—I have done everything I can to purge his memory from my life but you know, the ghost still lives here, a memory just as if he were truly dead but seems to be everywhere and I refuse to allow myself to think in the manner that I did. There are many friends of mine who have lost their spouses to death. My heart is pained by their loss–a spouse who truly loved them. It hurts me even more because of their loss. (another topic for a blog posting 😀 ) 

 

Have a great Thursday and may all of your dreams become reality with no regrets while walking in the shoes of others. Happy Gardening! 😀

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In 1970, when I was about 10 years old, I began to have seizures because I was not getting enough oxygen to my brain. The blood flows so quickly through the AVM that I do not receive enough O2 and that is why I must take a prescription called phenytoin—Dilantin for the brand name. It is a sodium based compound that dilates my blood vessels allowing even more blood to flow—very high pressure through the arteries and veins in the left side of my brain. I have talked about this before.

 

Last year, I had an angiogram to see if there was a chance that anything could be done to repair, remove, or kill off the AVM because it has been growing. The surgeon along with others believe the AVM should be left alone–that if anything is done I would be left paralyzed or dead because this nasty little bugger is located in the motor sensory part of my brain—the surgeon calls it the motor strip. The AVM is large. I used to have a problem talking about this with people–not so much now, but as dramatic as this all sounds, I live by the grace of God and have peace with that. It seems others do not. As good friends that I have and I am so thankful for each one, some believe that I just need to find the right doctor or increase my faith so that I might be healed. I put my faith in the Lord. I am about to be 53 next month 🙂 . I know who gives me life and I do not pity myself or my situation. I am thankful and am so appreciative of each day because I know each one is a true gift.

 

Yep, this is my brain :)

Yep, this is my brain 🙂
My apologies…

I write today because a good friend has recently discovered someone with an AVM and she believes it is just like mine and that I should see this doctor out west so that I can be “cured.” She has good intentions but she does not understand. I do not need to be whole—not physically. I want to tell this to this friend and have tried but I risk hurting her feelings. I fully believe that I do not need to be healed as in made like everyone else. We all have our imperfections. My life is my witness and I have talked about the miracles that I have experienced along the way. I cannot ask for anything more than what I already have.

 

I love this lady dearly but people sometimes want everything to fit perfectly in a neat little box, round hole, or definitive classification. Sometimes—many times—God calls us to trust Him and walk on faith. After all that has happened last year…that is the only way I can do—walk on faith. If you have imperfections, please come to peace with them and with God. He can heal and will do so and miracles happen every day but God doesn’t heal everyone completely and honestly, I am so very happy He doesn’t—not me! Please understand what this means. I need my imperfections and others need to see them, too. SMILES 😀 

 

May God be glorified in everything and may your gardens grow beautifully producing plenty of bounty! 😀

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I am a romantic—very simple. I love taking walks in the park and alongside streams and oceans. I love watching the sun set, seeing the colors reflected in the clouds. I love to lie on my back at night watching the stars, waiting for that lone streak of light when particles hit our atmosphere.

Savannah

Savannah

I love taking my shoes off and walking barefoot in the cool grass. I love riding horseback with a horse that enjoys nature as much as I do. I love giving as much as receiving, maybe even more—to make someone happy, truly happy. To me, that is what life is about. I love songs that bring a smile to my heart and my face 😀 . I love so much. I have done all of these things and enjoyed them myself but I have also enjoyed them with others and made memories for all times.

 

I was worried that I would become bitter but I haven’t—not yet. In fact, I am almost the opposite. Where I thought the well had run dry I find that it flows very freely and causes me to want to love again. I have been cautioned to not jump in so soon because my heart is not ready and the friend that said it—she was right—I’m not ready. And, as I thought about it, I have a dilemma. As much as I want to love and be loved and need that so very much…I don’t think I can allow it to happen again—not because I can’t but because I do love. There are no sureties, no definites, and no guarantees in life but how can I do that to someone, asking someone to love me—a woman who may not be here in 10 years although no one thought I would be here now? But, do we really know how long any of us have—not really?

 

I am at my best when I am giving without wanting or needing anything but sometimes this is hard to do. I have been in a slump since New Year’s Day and especially after the doctor visit. I cannot ask someone to open his heart knowing the likelihood of my dying sooner rather than later is always a possibility. This is one of the reasons I was hesitant to move forward and this is a mood I don’t like to be in. I was on top of the world for a while and then I wasn’t. I cannot let my circumstances dictate to me my future but just as I would give my life for my children, I cannot hurt someone I love or possibly loves me. 

 

You may say, “Snap out of it,” that I am going overboard but I have already felt some of the consequences and it wasn’t by someone who loves me. I don’t want to go and say, “Hi, my name is Amy and I have this thing in my brain…” It doesn’t make for good conversation but I can’t hide it either. I feel like a used, chipped and stained coffee cup. I want but I can’t. Who would want me? As I thought long and hard about this Friday, I realized I was jumping ahead of myself again. I have too much to live for rather than to be in this slump. I was better by nightfall. Life…there are no absolutes except for the ones we used to joke about—death and taxes. Enough of this serious thought. I want to enjoy my life and not ponder it away. 😀

 

Have a very blessed day and may all of your dreams come true! Happy Gardening! 😀

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