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Posts Tagged ‘infidelity’

 

There is a young lady I know who is just as sweet as she can be. I’ve known her for more than 20 years and think the world of her. Hopefully our paths have many people like her who enrich our lives. She makes life more valuable by just knowing her especially when people are not quite so nice such as the following…

 

The other night I got into a discussion with a guy who was trying to shame someone on social media. He called a person gay and started telling the person how God doesn’t accept gays, etc. You may know the drill. “You are sinning against God.” Well, that’s about the nicest thing he has to say.

 

This guy makes it his mission to go after people who he thinks are less holy than him – the less righteous in his eyes. Most all of the people he attacks are not gay but that doesn’t stop his hatred and awful attacks. He enjoys it and then he has the audacity to shout he is “Christian” and that others are not.

 

He mentioned that “gays” have more depression, commit more suicide, do more drugs, and have more health issues than heterosexuals. He’s lost by the way if he believes all of this of which he does. I had to point out that it is people like him who contribute to depression and suicide by telling them how awful they are and that they have no hope for eternal life — that they are unholy and all of this garbage. He firmly believes he is pointing out “truth.” The quoted words are his.  

 

He’s not the only person that goes after and attacks others while proclaiming himself a Christian. I like to call him a Pharisee but that is quite insulting to the Pharisees – my apologies. I’ve not always been the way I am today and that’s a good thing. It shows that I have grown. Growing up with absolutes makes life almost impossible. 

 

You know what is a “sin?” The young lady’s father who doesn’t speak to her because she is in fact gay. He wants her to attend a certain church so they can pray the gay away. Now, that’s a sin.

 

I wish people would quit judging others. It is not their job in life. If you choose to believe in a certain faith, please be kind to others. For those people who call themselves Christians and condemn and say people are going to hell, I will forever stand with the people they condemn. If you read the Bible carefully you will see Jesus did that very thing.

 

There are “Christian” evangelists who are leading the call against people who are gay and other parts of the LGBTQ community. They call their followers to push against the “sin” and to rise up but in fact they are calling their followers to push against people. Listen up, if you feel this way, read the Bible and find that Jesus was against the law condemning people. He took the sides of the people in need – against the bullies. Love supersedes (Mosaic) law by his own admission. Perhaps it is because if you put yourself in the position of others, then you will not be so quickly to condemn since he called for people to love others as ourselves. Then look at what was reiterated over and over – humility. The last will be first and the first will be last. Being humble should be a daily challenge for all who spend their waking hours condemning others. 

 

My life is better today for all of the “gay” people I have known through the years. If you say or think EWWWW, then you might need to start thinking about people as people and not what they do when you don’t see them. That’s about as nice as I can put it.

 

Happy Gardening and please treat others in the way you would like to be treated! 🙂

 

 

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A fellow blogger did a wonderful little post about loving others and how it is sometimes easy to love those who hate you but hard to love those who are supposed to love you. That’s true you know. We don’t expect to have the ones we trust with our love to stab us in the back or worse…stab us in the face. This wasn’t what he was trying to say but we don’t really expect them to abuse us but sometimes they do. It doesn’t mean that we are not supposed to forgive–we are–but we must be willing to protect ourselves. And this leads me to where I am…

 

Many years ago I was dating someone. He raped me. I am just now able to mouth those words. I can’t make that go away and I can’t make it sound pretty or attractive for good reason. My mother never knew. My children hadn’t been born yet and they never knew. I may have told one person something about it but not all of it…I don’t remember if I ever said anything to anyone at the time. I was so ashamed. I buried it so deep that only tears could come out at first when I was remembering about that night.

 

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By Abby Bischoff (link) at flickr

Terms of use (link) – Creative Commons [no changes made]

 

I wasn’t being careless or risky. I trusted the person. I also forgave that person and maybe I shouldn’t have or at least so easily. You see, I later married him and he is the father of my children. He was my partner, my significant other…my best friend and the last person I ever planned to be with. He is also the one that cheated…the one who cannot tell the truth if his life depended on it. He is the one that made my life a living hell and still has control over too much of my life because of choices he has made and continues to make.

 

A lot of things I am dealing with now are depending on how I can handle this. Once Pandora’s Box is opened, things don’t like to fit back inside. I am still seeing someone for counseling. It is the most liberating part of my life. I am finally able to talk freely and honestly without worry that I will be judged. Each time I see her, she tells me to be good to myself and treat me like I would treat my daughters if this had happened to them. 🙂 That has been such good advice because I never looked at it that way.

 

Imagine your daughter being raped. Perhaps you have had that experience yourself or a friend or a daughter or son even. I have been much too hard on myself. Seeing it from this new perspective is very rewarding in the sense that I can forgive myself for not speaking up, for marrying him because I thought he was honest. I am not a bad person but I began to think it and that it was my fault like he had told me years ago. Even when we know something rationally, sometimes we don’t react rationally. I think it is because we are in the thick of things.

 

There are parts of me that are being torn out and put back together. I am finding where the voids are in my life and trying to fill them in with good things—good memories. I was never abused or neglected when growing up. My first marriage didn’t go well. I married an alcoholic—I didn’t know. I tried to make it work but I couldn’t. It takes two people to make a relationship work…two honest people. I did my best in both marriages. I went beyond what was asked of me…I did my best. But, the other person didn’t meet me and didn’t walk with me. I did not receive the respect I should have had in either marriage. I thought it was enough but it wasn’t.

 

I have been hard on myself because I have blamed myself for the failures of two marriages but I forget that it takes two to make it. I can get behind that horse and push him as hard as I can but if he won’t budge then I am out of luck. 🙂 I can dangle a carrot in front of the horse but unless the horse wants to move, I can only do what I can do and no more. I don’t take “no” very well…I am very determined but I can’t blame myself.

 

That is where I am right now. I can’t pretend everything is great–it’s not but I am working through it. Getting to a healthy point in life is my goal right now. I can’t let people tear me down. If I seem to be a little assertive more than usual it is for good reason–I’m learning to take up for myself and protect myself. I can never allow myself to be taken advantage of to that point again. Trust was already difficult but now you know why it is even more difficult. Have a great day…and great week! 🙂

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Are we teaching people how to love or how to hate?

There is a lot I want to say about that sexual dance we do in life—finding the partner we want to be with—the one who we want to spend the rest of our days with. By the way, I am working on the scary parts of my closet and I will have to open up about that as time goes along but what if we taught young ones to love others? Would they be so apt to take advantage of another?

 

People hook up for physical intimacy, if I can call it that, without much regard to the person—it’s mostly gratification of oneself. Relationships–or good ones–are not usually fostered through this type of behavior. It is easy to ‘want’ in this scenario—rather than give. Love, on the other hand, involves giving…of one’s time for one thing. We risk intimacy—more than just being physically close, and then there is compassion, etc. Even friends can be physically close in this sense of caring for one another. When guys or girls hook up with anyone—just to get their rocks off—there is more than just risky behavior in jeopardy. This only reinforces this behavior.

 

We are humans. That means we still have animal instincts but a human brain that should control our thoughts and selfish desires. We can teach ourselves how to react in certain situations—what is appropriate and what isn’t but we want the freedom to do as we please. That freedom comes with a cost. Selfish desires in my own marriage—not my desires—brought a child into the world. That child has been spoiled rotten and does not know the meaning of the word ‘NO.’ His mother is basically not a big part of the child’s life and the child’s father isn’t a part of my children’s lives any more—all because someone(s?) wanted to build a fantasy world that didn’t exist. How unfair it has been to everyone involved.

 

LOVEI’m sorry but I don’t see us teaching people how to be loving adults—romantically or just compassionately. People want what they think they deserve. It’s not all guys—girls too. This is why marriages are failing—because we don’t know how to put others before ourselves. We don’t know how to compromise. We see ourselves as deserving of pleasure and sometimes no matter what the cost. We want…

 

Kids are learning to use others earlier…trust is broken easier…friendships are not really good relationships, etc. We don’t know how to teach ourselves self-discipline and why should we? We need to. We need to learn what no means and we need to respect others. We need to teach others how to love. Have we forgotten what love means?

🙂

Take care of yourself…and be good to others.

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I can tell you that I thought all types of things when my husband left last year—I can’t say it was good. I really didn’t wish evil on him but I wished he would one day see things from my side—to come to his senses. I honestly think I didn’t fit into his picture. He had begun a new family and was trying to juggle both. It doesn’t work. We, more than anything, have to be honest with ourselves and until we are, our lives turn into chaos. We can find no peace. I began to think of him as dead so that I could move him out of my life and move on. It is a coping mechanism. I didn’t wish him dead…well, there may have been a few times…lol. 

 

Love

Love

I can wish things to happen such as his apologizing to me but it doesn’t mean it will, so when it did, I was shocked. I knew he was that type of person—who would apologize—but something happened that caused him to move out of his norm. Some people call it a mid-life crisis. Whatever it is, it affected us all—all of us in the family that he left and in the one he created. I honestly do not know how much he has grown and changed. It seems to be positive but trust vs. lies…there comes a point where it doesn’t matter to me. I’m interested in how we can all live in harmony but that means things have to be dealt with. Don’t worry. I’m not going to spend much time on this subject. 😉

 

To what I want to share… Something happened the other night. It made an impression on me. I think it was humbling to him. I hope it was. My oldest daughter was trying to explain to his son that I was her mother. My husband looked at me and asked what I wanted his son to call me. I have been waiting a long time to hear that. There is a lot left out of this so I hope you can understand. I will say this… I wanted to hold his son when he was a baby but I never got to.

 

Life is precious. There are no guarantees. We are here on earth for a short time. We make choices along the way. Some are good ones and some are not so good. Whatever they are, we must make it right when we wrong someone. The pain will not be erased but the future doesn’t have to be all bad.

 

Whatever is happening in your life whether it be pain or loss or lies or hurt—whatever it is, I wish you the best—I really do. I hope you can find peace 🙂 .

 

Happy Gardening! 😀

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I write about love, friends and family, romance and such because these things are important to me. Family is essential but so is your mate. People have wondered if I would be able to withstand some of the things that have come my way lately—sometimes I do too 🙂 but the following is about the women in my family.

  • My paternal grandmother died at 60 years of age. She had been divorced from when she was about 34 years of age—never remarried. She loved my granddaddy until the day she died but when they were married, he liked going out carousing and drinking a bit too much.
  • My maternal grandmother also was divorced but not until she was about 54 years of age. He ran off with a woman, yada, yada… I know how that goes (eye roll). She lived to be 88 years of age and never remarried. 
  • My mother died at 60 years of age and was widowed when she was 48. She never remarried.
  • Then there was my great-grandmother on my mom’s side. I remember her quite well. She died at 84 but was widowed at 39. She also did not remarry.
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My mom, me, maternal g-ma and her mother. As usual, there is a story 😀 .

These women withstood all types of hardships and heartache, and they made huge sacrifices. They were strong. They never remarried and I am told they never fell in love or had a relationship with another man again. Very sad but romance isn’t everything. When I was young I wanted to be just like my maternal grandmother – the part where she was strong and independent. I later learned she was vengeful toward all men and I did not want any part of that. I still try to be strong and independent but I don’t want to lose the hope of falling in love again. 😀 The odds are not on my side. Someone said the other day I was too old–what? Hmm… I guess maybe that could be true but I don’t like it when people tell me I can’t do something.

 

Each woman had problems along the way and had very little help to get through. As for both of my grandmothers…what do I say? The girls and I are all there is to keep their legacy going. It is really tough being an only child of two only children but as women of my family on both sides of the tree, we are strong and we keep going. 🙂 

Happy Gardening! 😀

Happy Birthday, MOM! 😀

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I have been running into more problems and trying to deal with them the best I can. It will be hit and miss for a long time I am afraid. Each day seems to bring something else. I discovered it was much easier to deal with my situation when I didn’t dwell on how long it had been. I was doing so at first, thinking we were moving forward—anticipating reconciliation. I didn’t know he was moving forward without me but I questioned it several times. It almost looks as if it was all planned—well orchestrated—if you look back over the year with him carefully using me and still is in many ways and probably always will. I think some people find pleasure in using others like this. Things are about to turn very ugly in my world and I don’t want to be a part of it but that is not why I am writing.  

 

This coming weekend marks a year since my husband left taking very few physical things with him when he first walked out but stole so much—so very much and stole is a nice way to put it. In reality, he left a long time ago when he decided to give up on our vows—his vow with God and his vow with me as with all of his family, too. I have had people tell me that I was dwelling in self-pity and to some extent I did but I also have not revealed everything in this blog—there is quite a bit people do not know and will not know. I play my hand close to my chest—I have always been a very private person. I believe in the goodness of people even when I see bad but I for the life of me cannot understand a man who can turn his back on his family and not lift a finger to help his children even if he has left his wife behind in order to start a new life—not even to call and wish them Happy Birthday or give them a card—a dollar card or less—something? Someone said that I should not badmouth him to the girls—I didn’t and covered up for him for so long because he does all of it by himself, showing his true colors. We sow what we reap…and we reap what we sow.

 

On the flip side, I became tired of people feeling sorry for me. I have a friend who tells this meaning it very sincerely but it hurts each time I hear it. I don’t want pity and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I have never wanted pity in all of my life. I have only desired understanding—knowing what it is like to walk in my shoes at times rather than judging. I try to do the same for others but I know I could do so much better. To me, I have many friends–and not superficial ones. These are friends, people, who would stop and give me the shirt from their back if I needed it and some have offered to that extent. I have an open invitation to some friends’ homes to live should I need it and I am unsure if that will not be the case before his year is over. There are people I have never met, some who read my blog, that are the same way. This humbles me more than anyone can know. 🙂 (topic for another posting 😀 )

 

When my husband left a year ago (shy a few days) he texted me with these words, “I’ll be back,” to let me know we were working on our marriage and also told me how much he loved and cared for me. I believed him. Whether he ever meant any of it…I don’t know…and in reality, it doesn’t matter. Whatever happens in life, whatever decisions we all make and consequences we have to live with, may they never be filled with regret and may we always show kindness to others. Excuse me while I take a moment. You may have noticed my absence lately. It is a daily step, a walk, a journey. My husband has not existed to me for two months now—I have done everything I can to purge his memory from my life but you know, the ghost still lives here, a memory just as if he were truly dead but seems to be everywhere and I refuse to allow myself to think in the manner that I did. There are many friends of mine who have lost their spouses to death. My heart is pained by their loss–a spouse who truly loved them. It hurts me even more because of their loss. (another topic for a blog posting 😀 ) 

 

Have a great Thursday and may all of your dreams become reality with no regrets while walking in the shoes of others. Happy Gardening! 😀

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My baby is moving away—possibly for good—about 400 miles—not just down the road to Atlanta which is about 150 miles away. It breaks my heart to see her go—she is dropping out of school … sniff, sniff—but I want her away from here because I cannot protect her when she is close. She needs to feel safe—safe from her father and safe from his girlfriend and safe to live a life of her own. This way she will at least have some family even if it is her boyfriend’s family.

 

Her father’s family has not been in contact with her since she returned from her trip this summer. Thanksgiving was the telltale sign for all of us as I have tried to reach out to them even more this year but I guess they have made their choice as if choices should be made? She deleted them all from FB yesterday except for one cousin. I don’t know about anyone else but this is not what I call family though her grandmother prides herself in saying how much family means. It is not true to her unless you are willing to give her great grandchildren—babies—or in my husband’s case more grandchildren.

 

When I dropped my baby off for kindergarten many years ago, I cried all of the way home thinking of the future…to the day when she would leave the coup. I didn’t envision that she would feel threatened by anyone but most of all her family. I can’t tell you how much my heart aches for my daughters. No child—no matter their age—should feel this way. As parents (not just mothers) we are here to love and care, nurture for as long as it takes. We are to be their mainstay when they need us until they are out on their own completely and even then we should be there when they are in need—not as a crutch but for love and support so that they can do for themselves.

 

My baby’s birthday is this weekend. This is her time. It is a defining moment in her life. She will not be home to celebrate. In this respect, she has already grown up. No more baby—sniff, sniff. I hate it but this is my job here on earth—to teach and provide until they leave the nest.

 

She has already changed her phone number. Her father cannot get in touch with her even if he wanted. He didn’t contact my other daughter on her birthday so why should this be any different…? And, yet the girlfriend chided her for not being a part of her baby’s life—the sword cuts both ways.

 

I don’t want this for her but it is necessary. My goodness, how family can hurt! The last time I spoke with my m-in-law I asked why they didn’t keep in contact with us, at least in talking to the girls over the years. Her answer, “We didn’t know how you all felt about us.” It doesn’t matter how someone feels about another. If you are family…reach out, period. The girls have needed emotional support these past many months that they didn’t get. I will not encourage them to have a relationship any more. It is not my place anymore. I am hurt that my daughters’ innocence was taken away. I have said this before. My father died when I was 21. He was my biggest fan and protected me, prayed for me, etc. The pain of his loss still effects me now but this pain I have felt for all of these years is nothing compared to what my girls have been feeling these last 10 months tomorrow. I have done the very best that I can do. I love my girls! I want you both to be free and never ever worry again about being hurt from family.

 

  • Written by a mother who would do anything for her daughters even give up everything for them including her life. A mother’s love can be vast and selfless. I hope my life has been a testament to this.

 

May your gardens grow rich and beautiful and may all of your children have nothing but admiration for you! Happy Gardening! 😀

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