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When I thought life could not get any worse, yesterday was a 20 on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being so horrible. When I went to pay the tag bill the lady behind the counter said I could not pay it because I did not live in the county. What a shock to hear that I didn’t live in the house I have been living the last 20 years and had just come from minutes ago. So, I went to see where I did live. How surprised to see my husband’s patrol car sitting outside when he was supposed to be working. I had not been able to reach him for days. The “other” car that is supposedly registered to “us” was missing though I don’t know what it looks like (and it isn’t registered to me…).

 

I could proceed to tell you that I began to leave messages with people who I would never call asking him to contact me. I could tell you that I left notes at my new address where I have never been before. I could tell you what happened when he finally contacted me but you wouldn’t believe the conversation…

 

I live in a dream state—everything is in slow motion right in front of me and the rest is all passing by at the speed of a bullet. My heart is numb from pain and too much adrenaline. And, to top things off, my ankle locked up causing me to fall down the stairs–I really hurt myself. I am swimming in a cesspool. There is a lot of information and needless drama left out of all of this but believe me, it is truly awful and that is without any added embellishment—it sure isn’t needed. The fish is really that big and stinks so bad the dead can smell it—no disrespect to the dead. I thought I had heard everything, but I was wrong—so wrong. I could write all of this down for a drama—a movie—and you would think it is a comedy.

 

Appreciation… When the cesspool you are in is knee deep and smells so bad, just be glad and happy that it is not waist deep or even chest deep. Appreciate where you are and what is going on—the good things, no matter how small, no matter where you are in life. I wish I could tell you everything was going to be ok. I am trying really hard.

 

Take care and Happy Gardening!

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…a web is woven…

A couple of months ago, I felt the need to be blessed. My faith does not have such a thing really except for praying for another but I felt I needed this—a physical laying on of hands so to speak. I don’t know why. I asked my husband for us to be blessed together—you know where that went.

 

…the worm draws into the cocoon…

I have been on a journey this year and for so long I walked through the valley of pain—heartache all around along with physical pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. In fact, this place where I am does not want pain for others and is a result of the journey (not the destination). Truth be told, I have been on this journey a lot longer than most people know. Now, it is up to me to live as a true example of what I have learned.

 

…a change takes place…

Before this year, the worst time of my life was when I lost my dad. That event caused my seemingly steadfast faith to falter. I ran and hid from God but He was always there—right there behind me. This time around, I ran TO God. There is such a difference. My faith has been strengthened and I believe it is because the people I have kept close around me who have encouraged and prayed with and for me and my family.

 

…it’s time…

Back to the blessing— Last weekend I was nudged to rededicate my life at church this weekend. That means that I will go to the front of the church and ask to take the Lord as my Savior at the end of the service on Sunday. It means that I want to make a public confession of faith not unlike the original one made years ago. In all honesty, I feel like I have been a part of my husband’s sins and I need to step out of the muck I have been in, shake my feet, and continue on. I have things to do…

 

No one was to know about this (I wanted it to be a surprise) but then I told the lady who has been there for me through all of this. She offered to take that walk with me—so kind, so very kind. I had to tell her that I had to do this by myself. I still cry during every service and have trouble walking so I suspect she is worried. What a great friend to offer this.

 

So, tomorrow, if all goes as planned, I will recommit my life to the Lord. So many things have tried to thwart this decision this week so I’m sure there will be more things to come up before it is time. This is not for show such as when Jesus talked about the Pharisee and the tax collector. This is the real thing. It is what is in my heart. Abraham was called to offer his son as a sacrifice to show his obedience to the Lord. God didn’t need to know what was on Abraham’s heart but Abraham needed to know. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him, Jesus didn’t need to know what was on Peter’s heart—Jesus knew. Peter needed to know. God knows what is on my heart—but Amy needs to know and needs to make this statement.

…and the butterfly emerges…

 

May your life be truly blessed and may your garden grow beautiful bounty! Happy Gardening!

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I’m sorry. Whatever is wrong in your world, I am sorry.

 

When I woke up this morning I had no idea my day was going to turn into such a cesspool. I was trying not to post about certain things in my life but I have to write about this. I’m so sorry.

 

I had not received the bill for the car tag that is due later this month—my husband’s birthday is this month and it is registered to him because his name is listed first on the loan. Background info:  We have ONE car—ONE CAR so imagine the surprise I had when the woman asked  **which**  car I needed the info on!!!!!!!!!!

Which car???

Ok, I’m thinking to myself, “Did my husband get himself a car????”

No, it turns out that he bought his girlfriend a car!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or, rather he signed a loan for her……………………..and is giving her the money to pay for her car………………………………

 

I am taking applications for a new husband. Anyone who wants to apply, just leave me a note—only serious applicants need to submit… :D. I would say I am joking but I’m not sure anymore…

 

I hope your day is so much better than mine! 😀  I could not make this stuff up if I wanted. 

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wikipedia

During one of my recent nights where I awoke because I could not sleep, I began to write. For the past few months I have been attempting to write a book or something about my trials, my experiences, something that I felt needed to be said, but I could not get very far. I think I have started more times than I can count. I was in hopes that I could write about how there is hope for my marriage to survive an adulterous affair because I believed that we could make things right. As most of you know, there was more to it than just putting the pieces back together. I wanted it to be a book of hope but as time passed, I began to lose hope not only in my marriage but in myself. To be honest, a lot of my hopes have been dashed–obliterated. Maybe this is the point I had to get to understand.

This mini book is written for men, but what man would read a book written by a woman on the subject of marriage? I have no clue. I am not an author—I wish—and I cannot take full credit for this book. I had help, the divine kind. I have no idea what I will do with this but it is the best thing that was ever written using my hands. As I said before, I cannot take all of the credit. I am thinking about self-publishing but again, who will read it? On the other hand, if one person reads it and it helps them, then it would be worth everything. Any suggestions?

I think married men and those who want to be married someday should read it. It is not everyone’s cup of tea but it is how I see things. The

wikipedia

central theme is about how important it is to appreciate your life but especially your wife, to show her love and adoration, to carry that love in your heart, and to protect it at all costs. It bears a good chunk of my soul and mentions things from my past (dark blemishes and stains are included) that I had hoped I would take to my grave. I chose to include them because it tells of my personal trials with myself before my marriage to my current husband.

There is to be good to come out of my devastation. I believe this mini book is one of those good things. As for my hope and my marriage, I don’t know. I have done everything I could. Not only did the news of the affair devastate my life but this thing we have been doing lately has all but destroyed it. I continue to have more health issues. It has been a bad week and I’m not sure that my broken heart hasn’t contributed to my ordeal. I have to build hope. In the meantime, I have a book written about not allowing hope to die. Did I have to lose hope to get to this place?

May your life be blessed more abundantly than you can ever imagine.

Happy Gardening—always!

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The Doctor

I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday. The doctor was very nice and had a nice bedside manner-something I see less and less often. He explained that my AVM is very large and located along the motor strip in my brain-I knew that. If I had surgery, I would almost definitely suffer major deficits in my motor coordination—code for paralysis, but there were two possible treatment options IF that was the path we wanted to take. Hey, a surgeon who wasn’t pushing to get into my brain. I like that! In fact, he said that if I was not open to any treatment, he would not recommend an angiogram. A man after my own heart! Dr. B _(insert rest of name)_ from Emory wanted to wheel me down and get into my head with no concern for quality of life and would not even go through treatment options until I had an angiogram FIRST. This doctor yesterday studied at Emory and I think he could teach some of them a thing or two.

So, surgery was off the table but 2 treatment options weren’t. Embolization may be done but he thought it was risky. It can carry a lot of risks-some are unforeseen. Radio surgery with their new Gamma-knife is another possibility but it can take 3-10 years sometimes to get free of all of the AVM especially since mine is so large. I’m no spring chicken so this doesn’t sound ideal. In my case, they would most likely have to repeat the procedure, do an angiogram, wait, do an angiogram, and repeat procedure and repeat this over and over. It is not as evasive BUT I know people who never are even close to the same afterwards and they never get over it. They have deficits-maybe not as much as if I had surgery, but paralysis, eyesight, speech, memory, and thinking are all affected. I don’t want to go down that road. Then there is the possibility of an aneurysm hidden and buried within the AVM. If that is the case, the aneurysm has to go no matter what and surgery will be back on the table.

I will have an angiogram in a few weeks-don’t know date yet. It will be the type through the groin which is probably better than going through the carotid artery. That was scary the first time around. When I said I have only had the one through the throat, the doc said I was dating myself because that was what was used before the CT and MRI machines. He did say that I have done well not having a bleed for all of these years but I have to get my BP down. He may advise no treatment, so I think we found the right doctor if he is as good as his bedside manner.

This wasn’t the highlight of my day. It began with my husband telling me he loved both of “us”-her and me but that he loved me more. Go figure! I have known this for a while but could not get him to admit to it. If he had, I would not have tried to mend our marriage. I said I don’t share and that I wanted him to go with me for the appointment but I don’t want him to be there through the tests, appointments, possibly surgery and treatment if he loves someone else. My heart cannot take it. Well, it diverted my thoughts from the appointment. When the doctor asked about my BP-why it was so high, I said my husband was the reason and like we were in a play, my husband stepped into the room almost like on cue. It was weird. And, then after the appointment he wants me to hug him like everything is fine. Hello! Who knows. I have to concentrate on me right now.

That’s where I am. Yes, my life is still in the pits but I am trying to make the best of it. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I am determined to crawl out of my pit to enjoy life again. Happy Gardening and may today be brighter than yesterday and tomorrow be brighter yet!

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