When you don’t choose love…

• On Thursday I was told online that I needed to sacrifice myself because of my liberal views—that I was responsible for the deaths of the marines in Chattanooga…clears throat…

 

• I had a post come across my FB feed yesterday showing how many of my friends stood with Israel and to share if I agreed…clears throat…

 

It takes courage to speak up when almost everyone I know is against what I believe.

 

• About a week ago, I got a call from a person from my church, a person I used to call a close friend until she called me last year to complain about our new minister—saying that he wanted us to love everyone but that she could not love those people overseas who started all of those wars—that she could learn to love black people but not Muslims…clears throat…

 

She was calling last week to tell me how bad our church is having it—that they had to let the cleaning lady go. It seems that everyone will have to volunteer some of their time to clean and she was bemoaning. She said there is not enough money and they may have to shut the doors. This isn’t the first time we have discussed this and my answer usually begins with words about having faith in God except this time I just listened.

 

This time she was upset that the minister (same minister from last year) said he was willing to perform same sex marriages. The congregation said they were against it so they quit having weddings in the church. It’s a beautiful historic landmark and is usually booked about 2/3 of the year for weddings. Money made goes to pay bills including the salary for the minister and utilities. Some in the congregation would rather have no weddings than to deal with any same sex couple weddings. Yes, it is a Christian church. By the way, the people getting married in the church supply their own officiant so there is more to this story and it is a power play of sorts. I don’t think churches are where politics should enter but when a new member comes in, they essentially are forced to choose a side. 😦

 

She wasn’t forthcoming on all of this but I told her that she didn’t want my opinion. When she called last year, I warned her she didn’t want my opinion but she said she did so I told her that Jesus didn’t come for only certain people, that he came for all people and that we should love all. She wasn’t happy and I can only guess that others in the church got my message through her because I got the cold shoulder soon afterwards and I am still shunned by most of the members. That is on them—not me. I gave so much to them and it hurt me but I have given that up. 🙂

 

There are some people who think they are being persecuted…big sigh…sad face 😥

 

Many of these Christians are the ones doing the persecuting and they have been doing it for a long time. This makes me sad. I also talked to a real friend from my church this week. She filled in some of the missing details and she was in agreement with me about our church and about what love really means. For so long we had hoped that the congregation would change but the ones with power have suffocated all life in the church. She and I worked together on many projects only to see them fall through. We have given up because too many people pushed back and pushed others out. You have to follow the words of Christ if you are a Christian church. That love thing is really the foundation of everything.

 

I’m proud that my minister has decided to do the right thing. It took real courage to do what he did. He will be pushed out of the congregation because he spoke his mind. They cannot meet the bills and they will let him go. I’ve seen it happen all too often. It’s the way they do things.

 

Faith is like a double-edged sword. It cuts two ways. You can have faith that you will succeed or that God’s will might not be what you want. The trick is to let the Spirit guide you. If you don’t, then what good is faith? I have prayed and prayed for God’s love to be shown through the people of the church—this was my prayer for so many years and we were doing positive things but something happened. I have dared not to pray that the doors would stay open because what good are open doors if people are not welcome inside? The homeless were never welcomed–only a few of us tried to be welcoming to all people. Those who were in need were not welcomed. Our true fruits are seen when they mature. They can be fruits of goodness or the fruits can be rotten. I pray for the best but sometimes tough love is hard to watch as in this case.

 

A church is not a charity. The people in the congregation are the hands of Christ and are there to help others and its members but they are not the charity. My church has long worshipped money over service to the community. They don’t get it. The building is worshipped and the lady who gave the money for it is worshipped. She never wanted to be remembered and even said so many times. She gave anonymously and I still say if she were alive today, she would admonish the members for not building a new church to better serve the people. She was ahead of her time and I find it quite ironic that she was purpose driven in the 1800s and yet, here we are in 2015 and this congregation believes women should not serve. We have not risen to the call and until things change, I don’t see the congregation growing but only dying.

 

When you have hate in your heart, there is truly no room for any love. You choose what is in your heart. 🙂

 

 

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Ministers and Servants

I’m having an issue—ok, issues. I’ve been stuck inside all weekend (rain and more rain) and that was after I had an awful migraine last week (sinus triggered) that lasted 4 days–never made it to the movie either. I’m going crazy and I am lonely. (sigh) I get down when I get like this…depressed a bit. I had gotten to a point where I’m usually ok with being by myself and all but I’m in need of some romance. Dang. I hate it when I get like this. There isn’t anything I can do. It just happens.

 

I have been dumped on so much for the past few weeks that I’m really feeling the effects. I like to celebrate Independence Day but with just me, I don’t get to do what I want these days. I’m feeling quite down about that too. I fight so hard at times and want to believe there is something better but I don’t see it. I don’t like the loneliness but here it is…still… I fight hard to be an optimist.

 

Over the weekend I was privileged to read about two ministers who I believe have been truly blessed. I write about these two but I know there are more out there. These are the people who should be speaking out for the world to hear—not the jokers that seem to have everyone’s attention and are center stage. They are the ones who have been called upon to serve—to be humble servants. Both ministers have felt that calling—to hear the needs of their parishioners…even their homosexual ones. While many a church believes that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin, there are people rethinking this and what exactly the Bible says. I’m not going into what it says mainly because I cannot judge someone.

 

What I see is ministers who are actually walking the path of Jesus Christ and it makes me feel quite glad. One actually broke down and was humbled before God. People in his church came to him seeking guidance. He talked about how when one left, he could not get up but rather got down on his knees and prayed. His prayers were answered because he chose to ask God how to help these people and he did not judge them nor did he say they were not worthy. He treated them with respect. 🙂

 

Another minister felt the call that his church was not serving all those that were in need because their Book of Discipline forbid it. He felt that there was something more that they could do so he presented the challenge before his Sunday school class and they answered the call by seeking to become a reconciliation church. This is a big step in some churches. It is a way to show they are seeking a different path and acknowledging we are different. We can’t cast people out because of the differences and we cannot say they are not welcome. 🙂

 

These are challenges before churches—not just these few but all churches. It isn’t going away. You cannot shut the door on it. You cannot close people out. For the past few years I have talked about being inclusive rather than exclusive and that is my belief.

 

A certain infamous blog person has taken to the blogwaves of how his heterosexual marriage is being harmed by the same sex marriage decision handed down by the US Supreme Court. Ok. I don’t see it. Other people’s marriages shouldn’t affect yours. If they do, you have issues too and they are worse than mine. 😉

 

All of this is going on and I cannot help but feel those heartstrings pull at me again—some call it a minister’s calling but I cannot answer that call. However, I can continue to blog and that might be my true calling after all. 🙂

 

Remember to treat others with true respect and try to love all people. Happy Gardening! 😀

 

 

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My brothers and sisters

Life isn’t going the way a lot of people want it to go right now. I’m sorry. I feel your pain.

 

We are upon the end of June and the US Supreme Court will announce decisions today and Monday for the final wrap-up for this session. One of the big decisions is for same sex marriage. Most people believe (some are scared) that SCOTUS will rule in favor of SSM. That may further exasperate your pain. I think they should rule in favor.

 

I don’t have to defend my beliefs. I’m entitled to have them. I am a grownup and want this for others which means that I’m not being selfish. I think marriage is sacred whether you are married in a church or not. I think it is a serious covenant and commitment. I believe it is for life and I don’t think it should be taken lightly. With that said, I do not advocate a difference of marriage for same sex couples compared to heterosexual couples. I think marriage is marriage and I believe in equality for all people. It’s none of my business what people do behind closed doors. I don’t want to know what you or your spouse or significant other do in your bedroom. It’s no one’s business.

 

I believe this decision was made before they even heard arguments. Writing decisions takes a bit more time. Each justice has to plead their case whether it is in support of the decision or in the dissension. Case law is cited including any precedents that have taken place. I wish everyone knew more about the decisions that have been decided through the years. I never really cared about it until last year and I have been reading more about various cases.

 

People believe that states have the right to govern themselves but there is a problem with that. States are deciding to go against the US Constitution in making laws and that is where problems lie. Certain people have rallied and railed that they will do everything in their power to go against SCOTUS should they rule in favor of SSM. I believe these open threats are tearing at our country. They are wrong. I remember a certain war that was fought on this land…our homeland. Rather than choose to do the right thing, the south chose to go to war and the results were disastrous. We are still fighting the effects of that war which began in 1861 and ended 150 years ago.

 

I look back and see where certain people tried to stop such a nasty war because they knew the consequences. They would rather concede than fight. Certain ministers will have you believe this is the end of the world and that you need to gird on your armor and fight. I say, it is better to reach out a hand than to reach for a sword. It takes a strong man/woman to carry a full set of armor into battle but I wager that it takes a bigger man/woman to lay down his weapons and find compromise.

 

Life is difficult but it does not have to be. The path is lit—the road is clear. We can choose to walk down the path together or we can choose to fight each other in battle but remember that once you pick up that sword of aggression, you need to be prepared to kill. I do not think it is an option or that it is acceptable. Do you? Really read what Jesus tells us in the Bible. The answers are there. All you have to do is look.

 

I may be wrong but I will venture to hope that the vote goes 6-3 in favor with (I hope again) Justice Roberts in support. That would mean a lot. No matter what happens, I give my support to people who are marginalized, disenfranchised, and discriminated against. I stand with them. They are my brothers and sisters and they matter just as we all matter. 🙂

 

Happy Friday! 🙂

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I cried…

An emotional day…rather than explain my day, this is my prayer that I posted for another blog…blessings and good tidings to you this Sunday… 🙂

Dear God, I cried today first because people called me awful names and told me terrible things after they told me to go to hell. But, those tears were nothing compared to the heartache I felt when I read that a certain minister has called for a boycott of any institution who will not stand against SSM. What would Jesus do? I ask myself that question. Would he turn away from people who need him? Would he judge others? Would he treat others as 3rd class citizens? No!!!

God, I cannot believe what I see each day…hatred for others and those who are hating are the ones who are saying they are being persecuted. What happened, Father? What went wrong? The moral decay is not coming from some sin that is preached about as an abomination. The moral decay has already taken place in the hearts and minds of Christians who believe the law says to build walls and fences to keep others out. Father, your son preached to the Pharisees but his words are more true today than they were 2000 years ago. There are Pharisees among us who would have us believe that Jesus would shun part of the world. I don’t believe that. He wouldn’t do such.

Father, you taught me to love all, to judge not, and to live by example. My tears are for those who have been marginalized and are told every day that they are going to hell. We sin, Father, when we take your place. My tears are for those who believe they have the right to dictate how others should live. It hurts me to know they do not understand love, the greatest commandment. I may not walk my path alone but sometimes it sure feels that way and yet, I know you are with me. 🙂 Never leave me…

I search for peace to build bridges so that we may all live in harmony…this I pray…

Amen.

 

My heart weighs heavy from what I have experienced today. No one should ever go through what I faced and if it wasn’t enough, I was mocked and made fun of. Do I question if I’m doing the right thing? Yes, I do question and the answer is yes–not because it is a trendy thing but because it is the answer to what would Jesus do? I believe there is a great divide about to come across this nation…there has been a swelling feeling of pride and arrogance and when we look at history, that arrogance is what brings down empires. Each of us has a choice to make. We can choose to bury our head in the sand or we can choose to love. Those are the only two choices that I see.

 

Also, I was preached to last night that I was going to die at the hands of my Muslim friends by having my head separated from my body (perhaps he has watched too much Highlander) because I will not fight against Islam. No, this person was not speaking about the fanatic group across the sea but that all Muslims want me dead. These are perilous times we are in, there is no doubt but to spread such hate and fear mongering is unfathomable. 

 

May your gardens grow with love abundant… 🙂

 

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Society

Society is messed up. Rather than giving respect to each other, we sexualize individuals–men cat call women as they walk by and it is supposed to be ok. Married men ogle women (other than their wife) and think thoughts they shouldn’t but excuse it because they say it is natural. They think it is ok as long as they don’t act on those thoughts.

 

Guess what—it’s not ok. And, you know why, because we have been giving a pass and excusing that behavior for far too long. We accept it because we think men are different but they aren’t different—not that much anyway. Women have the same thoughts and desires that men do but we are taught to control our desires.

 

I don’t mean to overgeneralize but society is suffering and we are paying a high price. Why do you think there is so much divorce? I have had to explain what love is more times that I care to think about in the past few months so somewhere the message isn’t getting out. Too many men (sorry, those are the individuals I talk to the most) are after gratification of self and not interested in pleasing their partner first if at all. When I mention that they should desire to give and please the other, it is like a foreign language to them. We are flunking when teaching how to love in relationships.

 

Many people are not interested in a relationship. They would rather hook-up for a one-night stand and have no responsibilities and continue this type of hook-up. Don’t blame any one group because we are all to blame. Repressing sexual feelings isn’t the way to go either. We need to learn self-discipline and respect. I don’t want us to control morality per se but I wish people would quit being so selfish.

 

Love is something more than a sexual feeling. It is more than a fleeting moment. Someone told me this week that he had a girlfriend and that when she gained weight, he didn’t love her anymore. (eye roll) I told him that he didn’t love her to begin with if he didn’t love her after she gained the weight because looks do not define love. Again, it was as if I were speaking in another language with what seems to me as common sense.

 

There was a couple in the 1960s who loved each other and wanted to marry but they couldn’t because they were not of the same race. In Virginia, it wasn’t done—there was a law. They challenged the courts and won. I wrote about this earlier this year. (link)

 

Mixed race isn’t anything these days to most people but as luck would have it a woman on FB made a comment this week about interracial marriage—that it was wrong because in the Bible it says to keep the races pure—that is what she said. I kid you not. She really believes this but she also hates many groups of people…actually she hates everyone who is different from her. She doesn’t hide it.

 

Well, we are all going to hell if you believe this because we have been mixing races since the beginning of time… I no more believe this poppycock than believing I will have 4 wisdom teeth to show up this year—and I only had 2 to start with.

 

She believes in the Bible and she peddles her thoughts freely on FB. What can I say? She thinks that the children of a certain couple that consisted of a white man and black woman will be of a race God didn’t intend to exist. I hang my head in shame.

 

Race has no difference. We are not a different species…we are all humans. The differences we see come from the type of melanin in the pigment of skin. Science is showing us that we all originated on the African continent. I don’t want to be the one to tell this lady that but she wouldn’t believe me anyway. She denies so much. It isn’t good to hide your head in the sand.

 

All of this isn’t about one person and her views. Her argument was the same argument given in the lower courts for the Loving case that the US Supreme Court overturned in 1967. The judge said that God put races on different continents for a reason and they were to never mix. This is being taught in some churches today. This isn’t someone coming up with this on their own. I even heard it when I was growing up—some of the older people would say it—not in my family but older people in the community. This is a problem just like people not understanding what love is. These are societal problems. They are things that we can help improve.

 

We preoccupy ourselves with drama from other things in life but we don’t address the real problems. Why don’t people love others without condition? Why don’t we put our children first? Why don’t we care about one another?

 

These are the simple things I care about. Life is not complicated when you look at it through the eyes of love. Simple… We need to work on society.

 

Please get involved. Show what you are made of. Don’t hate and don’t judge. Just love others.

 

Happy Friday! 🙂

 

 

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From the Past to the Future – part 2

I don’t know how many people realize how obsessed with Ireland I am but sometimes I am more up to date on the news in Ireland than I am in the US. Do you know how big Ireland is? It’s about as half the size of the state of Georgia but is more dense population wise—has a few more people for the land mass. There are a lot of people in Georgia who have Irish ancestry…some are Catholics and others like me are Protestant but that’s the past.

 

The country of Ireland had a referendum put on the ballot last Friday that asked about same sex marriage. There has been much support for both sides. I knew there was a chance that the referendum would pass but I wasn’t sure. I wanted to know how the vote would go but no clear indication was given before I headed to bed that night nor when I got up the next morning but by lunchtime the votes had all been counted and as you know, the referendum passed. All voting districts passed it except for one—I cried… 🙂 My heart was filled with joy.

 

I knew there were people who wanted this to pass. It was a big thing because this was the first time that popular vote succeeded in passing SSM—Ireland was the first country to do this. I thought of people who would be affected not just those in the present but those of the future who would have the chance to marry who they wanted. I know everyone is not on board with this but what if you loved someone and wanted to marry them but you couldn’t because there was a law prohibiting such? What if this affected your children or descendants? When it becomes personal, I get it, I understand. Sure, I could sit in my chair and say—no way can these two people get married—but that’s not for me to decide.

 

I have heard all of the excuses and reasons why they shouldn’t get married but to be quite honest, I would rather a child be raised with two same sex parents who love the child without reservation because when they commit to raising children, they do it because they WANT children…not because a child came along by accident. That takes commitment—something a lot of couples today are not willing to give and two parents are usually better than one—not always but usually. I could go on and on. I have thought this out. I have considered as many situations as I could and then others have presented me with more…I don’t see a problem as long as two people are honest with each other and love each other—willing to make the commitment. The rest is none of my business and it’s none of yours either :).

 

We have such a terrible divorce rate and it has nothing to do with SSM. My opinion is to let people get married and begin to focus on giving help to those who need it. We have problems with society of offering respect, giving love, seeing others as equals. And, we have an issue of selfishness. Those are societal problems across the board and they need to be dealt with. I believe this is where our energies should be spent and not condemning people of this “abomination”—not my choice of words, just what I keep hearing.

 

I have been accused of promoting the gay agenda…and that’s far from the truth. I promote love and well-being, a family environment, completeness…unselfishness. I will not sit here and tell you there are no problems ahead because there will always be problems but I honestly rejoiced Saturday and wept like a child with happiness. My heart was filled with joy…not for me but for my fellow man and woman but also for my children’s children too. Imagine the possibility of raising children with absolutely no bigotry…that’s a nice thought.

 

People talk about abomination and how this will lead to the destruction of America. Truth be told, we have already destroyed America with our bitterness and hatred, bigotry and vile acts against good people. I believe we have turned the Bible into our own personal agenda and when we feel our rights have been violated then we choose to engage in our own vendetta. I am ashamed. We don’t get to yell that we are being persecuted because self-persecution does not count. Sorry, but I love this saying because it is so very true.

 

I’m going to go back to Bible times, back to Jesus…I imagine people waiting in lines to see Jesus…almost like children at the mall at Christmas waiting to see Santa. Close your eyes and think of the lines of people. Right before you get to personally visit Jesus, there is an offering plate … [no, sorry, Jesus would never do that… 🙂 ]  

 

Jesus wouldn’t make you pay to see him. They didn’t charge admission for the Sermon on the Mount. They didn’t even have food for the people… People flocked to him, to see him, to hear him, and to touch him. There was no requirement but today … I think there are those who would ask for payment to see the Almighty.

 

Despicable. If this is the case, what else are we doing wrong? I think Jesus’ sermons to the Pharisees are more relevant today that they were 2000 years ago. I think we are wrong about opposing same sex marriage. Even if your church opposes it, there are churches who will accept those who want to be married and they can join and be a part of the membership. Some churches even allow homosexuals into the clergy.  

 

Story… I have known homosexuals since high school. It weirded me out when I was younger but I didn’t hold it against them. It wasn’t my cup of tea. I have worked with them, had friends who were homosexuals, and I was taught not to accept them or their lifestyle by people in the church…I believed it was wrong to be homosexual. Hmmmm. That wasn’t right because it meant treating them unequal. Jesus would have never done that.

 

I have a friend in the church who has a homosexual family member and she was told to counsel them and tell them they were wrong (the ‘sin and repent, then you will be saved’ talk). She told me about it and said she wasn’t doing it because it was no one’s business but their own and if they wanted to go to church she would help them find a church that was accepting of them. 🙂 My faith is accepting but my church isn’t but they aren’t accepting of people of color or those of other faiths or even those with slightly different belief…very discriminatory. I haven’t attended in a few months due to my health and I’m not sure I will go back.

 

Some years ago my Mormon neighbors moved away—I was good friends with the lady and hated that they had to leave. Her children played with my girls and we were good friends—kindred spirits of sorts. They sold their house to two men. We didn’t know if they were gay at first but we had our suspicions. I never saw them being outwardly emotional together like holding hands or kissing but we knew. Then my grandmother died. They saw the hearse come for her body so they sent flowers and food. They also offered anything that I needed. They were so nice not just then but the entire time they lived here…always congenial—very nice people. I miss them.

 

So you see, we have the opportunity to treat others like we want to be treated. We cannot look at ourselves and think we are better. We cannot judge another human. We love people and the rest takes care of itself. I rejoiced last Saturday because instead of bigotry and hatred I saw the country of Ireland put their feelings aside for a bigger purpose. People may say they were forced to vote yes but I know that this is a big thing. We are a broken people and unless we embrace others, we will remain this way. We need to heal the brokenness and become whole. Be careful what you say to another. Be careful who you follow. Knowledge is extremely important. Don’t follow blindly and don’t jump on a wagon because everyone else is doing it. I may walk this path alone but I made my decision. I will not hate and will not accept bigotry in any form.

Irish Flag

 

Celebrate the goodness of all people. Celebrate Ireland!!! 🙂

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My Biggest Fear

Meditation can help with fears. Do you know how to meditate? I began taking the first steps of meditation back in high school. I studied and tried some methods and then I met a guy who practiced meditation on a daily basis. He was unique—he had a wooden board thrust in his eye when he was young. Pieces of wood or splinters were lodged behind his eyeball for years. Ewwww. 😦 There was no damage to the nerve but those pieces were left behind. He learned to meditate each day concentrating on getting the small slivers of wood to the “surface.” Our minds are very powerful.

 

I use meditation to help me avoid seizures, to ease blood pressure, to help with chronic pain, to calm me when things get out of hand, but sometimes none of the “tricks” work. There are a variety of ways to get to that special place in your mind–the sanctuary–that place of peace and contentment. Some people use imagery. Some start with prayer. Some use relaxation techniques or a blend of these. Whatever way you choose, a disciplined individual can practice meditation in a variety of ways. 

 

I have chosen to write about my deepest fear—the one thing that meditation cannot fix and that is the fear of rejection. When I was young, my dad insisted on me being the best because he knew I would have difficulties along the way. He believed that if I were the best I could be, it would help avoid those instances where people will reject you (me). He had no idea he was setting up a cycle that I would learn to repeat over and over because I never felt good enough.

 

Kids need to be praised and their achievements need to be celebrated not for what is to come but for the present—what is now–today–this moment. I didn’t really have that. Even when I made the highest grades and was a high achiever, it was not good enough. I cannot find fault with my parents but I never felt good enough. I would make a 99 on a paper and my dad would ask why did I not get a 100. Emphasis was given to become better but never achieving it. It’s like the ring one keeps reaching for but never able to attain. I find it a little ironic that he never saw me graduate from college…with honors. I did not achieve honors for myself but to gain admiration from my parents–I sought their approval. It was an end goal and intrinsic motivation was passed over.

 

All my life I have wanted to do things but I settled for something else. When I graduated from college and interviewed with companies, they could only see me as a female—I didn’t measure up. Everything I have reached for I have turned away because I kept saying I couldn’t and others reinforced that same thought. My dream was to go into oceanography (thanks Flipper and the many trips to Florida to visit my granddad). My dad kept telling me to do what I wanted but then would say I couldn’t do this basically because of my disability, I guess, so I settled for something else. I have talked about entering college as a physics major and then ending up with a degree in math and one in computer science. I was conflicted in high school–such an impressionable time. This is not a post about what I should have done but rather a post of why I always settled for second best or worse.

 

I never treated myself to things…I didn’t go places I should have gone because I was always doing things for other people. I blamed myself for the failure of my first marriage but in reality, I tried so very hard. I chose to forget that because there were so many painful memories. Being married to a drunk (that sounds awful) was not what I bargained for but I did not know he was like that. He never got drunk like that when we were dating. Getting back in touch with him last year made me remember how I would come home after working sometimes 12 hours (on my feet) and then having to clean up after him night after night and that was after dealing with customers and employees and everything from A to Z.

 

There are always at least two sides to a story but my side goes like this–he wasn’t working because of an accident at work and I was working sometimes 60-80 hours a week. I should have left him but I was trying to make it work. Later, I did a really good job at suppressing the truth because the truth hurts. I am my harshest critic and believe things are my fault. He wouldn’t admit there was a problem with his drinking. I tried to get us to go to AA but he wouldn’t and the fights increased. I wanted safety and love but it wasn’t there in my marriage. When I tried to talk issues and solutions, he told me that one never gives more than half (he wasn’t willing). I felt I was giving more than half and I wasn’t getting anything back. Marriage isn’t supposed to be this way.

 

When my mom got ill, I moved back to care for her. Before I remarried, I was raped and I did a terrific job of suppressing what happened. I made it ok in my mind with the person’s insistence that it was my fault. It was wrong to hide it but it was the best way that I could deal with it—it’s never ok when someone takes advantage of you. I raised a family—I cared for my mom and then my grandmother, my children, my husband—I sacrificed so they would be successful. I did this because I loved them. But in the end, no one was taking care of me. My second husband didn’t. He didn’t have my back like he said he would. I made excuses for him my whole marriage. I remember times where I wanted to leave but I talked myself into staying because I settled. I didn’t want to harm the children. I gave up so they would have.

 

That fear–rejection–has been following me all of my life. I still hear my dad’s voice—“Why isn’t it a 100?” I loved my dad but I didn’t grow up like I should have and I hope I have not repeated his mistake with my children.

 

I went to visit an old friend in Texas almost 2 years ago. He wanted to get married. It was my Romeo story except he turned out not to be so much of a Romeo. I don’t know what happened–not exactly. He’s the one that got way from me and I’m the one that got away from him. It seemed perfect at first but sometimes you cannot pick up where you leave off. He is older and was ready to retire–me, not so much ready to retire or ready to clean up after another man. There were some red flags I should have seen. He has changed and I’m sure I have, too. I felt rejected–that dreadful feeling. Gosh! I fight that feeling that I am not good enough almost every day.

 

I don’t know how to be good to me. I have always pushed myself to do things until now. I am the type of person who must have things to drive me—self-motivation. I was the center of my family. I was like the watch keeper. I set the tempo and drove the ‘bus’ so that everyone got to where they were going on time. I was the organizer. I was the cog—that central hub.

 

I want to have fun. I want to dance again. I want to see the northern lights. I want to visit Ireland. I want to visit the Lia Fáil. 😀 I want to take some time with my children and do things with them before it is too late. I want to make this a reality. I want to live. I want to finish the stories I began writing. I want to make a difference. I don’t want to settle–to take what is last or to wait until it’s my turn. I don’t want to feel rejected in everything I do.

Lia Fáil – from wikipedia. Common usage license – no changes.

 

I am fine at times but then I hit a bump in the road of life. That’s when I hear my dad’s voice. I tell myself everyday that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but I still feel that I’m not good enough. Do you know that between two husbands, I probably can count how many times I was thanked or congratulated on cooking a meal on two hands–about 25 years…and I tried to be thankful to them for the smallest things. To be happy once again, I have to get rid of the feeling that I am not deserving, unworthy, and not good enough. I am working on it and my aim in life is to be good to me. I’m trying… So, be good to you, too. 🙂

 

Have a great day/night. 🙂

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Love and marriage

Over the past several years I have written quite a bit about love. This is the week of love…usually the romantic kind given that Valentine’s Day is almost here.

 

It’s the first time that I feel free to be me without any ties to anyone. No one has a claim to me. My divorce isn’t finalized but I have moved on and am ok…except there isn’t anyone to open wine bottles (jokingly). I guess I don’t miss cleaning up after a man and making sure his laundry is done, meals are prepared, his bills are paid, and millions of other things. I rejoice in this freedom. I still want a partner—a lover if you will—but I’m not going to shrink and blow away if it doesn’t happen. But that’s me. I’m still interested in the opposite sex but I don’t like to be treated badly and I keep choosing guys who use me and abuse me. I suck in that department. I should have gone for an arranged marriage 😀 (just kidding).

 

• Warning…I am going to lose some readers today and that is ok…not really but I can deal with it. The Christian Bible says quite a few things but the one thing Christians believe or should believe is what Jesus taught and that is to love.

 

Back to loving someone. Do we know what love is? Have you ever been in love—not sexual infatuation but love that will stand the test of time? If you find that person and love them and they love you, wouldn’t you want to be married? Don’t you want that for your children and grandchildren? Don’t you want them to be happy? I sure do. I want my children to be as happy as they can be and if they came to me and said they are in love with someone…and want to marry…I will give them my blessing and wish them the best no matter who they are. It can be someone who is the same nationality or another race…or of another faith. It is their life and choosing marriage means that they are willing to enter into a commitment with that other person and vice versa. And, I will do this even if it is a same sex individual…

 

Let me make that clear…if one (or both) of my children comes to me and says that they want to marry someone of the same sex, I will accept it and rejoice.

 

• Have I lost my mind? No.
• Does this go against my beliefs? No.
• Does it go against the Christian Bible? Well, that’s where you need to read and pray and do quite a bit of real soul searching.

 

I used to believe that it was a sin to be gay…that was the way I was raised but did you know it is a sin to lie, murder, steal, cheat, and do so many things? So…if marriage is the sacrament of love…and Jesus endorsed marriage or that’s the way Christians look at it and that it is the union where two people pledge their hearts to each other and their lives to each other as the covenant with God and his love, don’t you think God would want people–no matter their racial or religious orientation or even their sexual orientation–to enter into a covenant with the person they love and with him? I do. 🙂

 

Think about it for a minute. I have just read comment after comment where people professing their belief in God saying that Alabama should deny same sex marriage… That in itself is one thing but I have read some awful and very hateful comments so bad that I have cried. It hurts dang it! ..to hear what people say about others… I can’t help but think what we do to others when we say things like that…why are we so dang mean? If you are a Christian, think about how you treat others. Is it loving in a way that Jesus loved or is it mean-spirited and hateful? I personally think that if Jesus were alive today, we would be very surprised–I really do. We are to love with no reservations. You cannot say I love so-and-so but I can’t love so-and-so because he or she is ‘gay.’ We cannot love others while dividing them and categorizing them. Can’t be done. It is all or nothing.

 

We don’t get to pick and choose who we love. We must love all—period! You may not agree—that’s your prerogative. I have watched people who say they are Christians and do everything in their power to push people out of the church because they were not clean enough or they were not rich enough or they were not intelligent enough…that they were the wrong color, from the wrong side of town, etc. I have watched as my church took women out of their positions because the men in power were sexist and would not let the women serve on Sunday morning. Women in the men’s opinion must do all of the work and be hidden…and this comes from a progressive faith that has a woman as its general minister. So, I have seen the worst of Christians who talk bad about other religions. While none of us is perfect, we must accept others as they are. We cannot change them to meet our expectations because we are all flawed.

 

To those who are not Christian—of some other faith or of no faith—I hope you understand where I am coming from. And, to all…I have stepped back from my roots to see where I should be and I wasn’t happy with what I saw. I still believe in a creator—a God but the God I pray to is the same God I have always prayed to and he/she/it (I don’t believe God has a sex but we won’t go there) is more of a universal God. In other words, he/she/it is who we need ‘him’ to be. I don’t can’t believe that there is one religion that is right–I’m sorry but that is my conclusion from all of my studying and praying and everything…I just cannot believe anyone is right making everyone else wrong. Hey, if I’m wrong–so be it. I want everyone to have a voice and have the freedom to believe in the faith that is important to them. Spirituality is important to me. Discipline is important. There are things I like about various religions…the commonality of helping others, loving, being humble…all of these matter…respect for each other and respect for our Earth. 🙂

 

So, this long post is really about same-sex marriage. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of difficult to embrace but I just know that we cannot divide people according to what we believe or what we think we believe. We cannot deny others what most of us strive to have. This is not a recent revelation for me. I have been trying to write something about this for an awful long time. My holdback is mostly because we see things as a sexual nature. We are sexual animals at times and we really need to exercise some brain power and self-control.

 

Love isn’t about sex. Yeah, I know people who don’t believe that but it’s not. If you get married because of sex, there are going to be problems down the road. Our world is preoccupied with the subject. You can’t turn on a tv in the US and not see some type of sexual connotation whether it is advertisements or shows. It’s everywhere. Sexual intimacy isn’t bad. I don’t mean to make it the bad thing of this but when we are hooking up with others not because we love someone but just to satisfy our urges, then we have problems. Again, my opinion but it’s gotten out of hand.

 

Love is giving of oneself—it is unselfish—it is so much but when it becomes selfish and about self-gratification first and foremost, you need to do something to save your marriage if it’s possible.

 

I apologize that this was a rushed post but I feel compelled to say this. I know it is not a topic that you want to hear but it’s what needs to be said. Some will dismiss me and say that I am a lost sheep or that I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing or something. That’s fine. I accept it because I know people are not going to embrace this. Heck, it has taken losing my husband and watching him throw our marriage away and throw away a chance at making a family for his son with the son’s mother and so much more that I have experienced and witnessed in my journey. Peace is what we should be searching for and the only way to have peace is to have love. 🙂

 

May your gardens grow full of love yielding years of happiness! Wishing you much love… 🙂

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Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving for us in the States is this week and while everyone seems to insist it will become the first shopping day for Christmas sales, many people are still content on staying out of the stores and at home with loved ones being thankful for what we have together—and not just good food and football 😉 .

 

Not much to choose from – these are the frozen ones – I chose one of these 🙂 . Maybe it will thaw in time to cook. 😀

 

For the last few years I have spent Thanksgiving with a friend’s family—big family. The girls and I went the first year their father was out doing his thing with his girlfriend. We spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with this friend from church for two years and I appreciate it so much but this year my children are all gone and one will be working Thanksgiving and the day after and the day after that so the plan is for me to make a turkey and take it to visit the daughter in town. I haven’t made a turkey in a long while so I hope I can still do it—preferably without burning myself as my Halloween burn is just starting to look pretty decent. 😀

 

I was reading Barb’s Thanksgiving post (link) when I was reminded of the one holiday that I am so thankful I will NEVER have to repeat and it goes something like this…

 

When my girls were very young, their other siblings—their father’s first children, came to visit either at Christmas or Thanksgiving—usually Thanksgiving or we would go there. This one year in particular there had been some discussion of us coming up but we couldn’t go for some reason—probably my husband’s work wouldn’t allow it. My husband’s mother wouldn’t have any of it and decided at the last minute to come visit us and bring the tribe with them.

 

I rearranged some things and cooked for at least 2 days—I made a big turkey and a smoked ham and several side dishes and pies and a cake and such. I made cornbread dressing…with all the fixings, sweet potato casserole, regular potatoes, corn, rolls, etc. and managed to clean and prepare everything even decorating for Christmas…back when it seemed I was Wonder Woman. I had enough food to feed the small army that we would have and all seemed to be going according to plan…except…

 

My mother-in-law had purchased a turkey and wanted to bring it with her. I kindly refused and thought the situation was remedied but no, it was not. My good old mom-in-law brought Tom Turkey in an ice chest on the twelve plus hour drive—raw, mind you—for me to cook when they arrived. Like I wanted to spend some extra hours cooking another dang bird… She thought it was funny. Well, that didn’t go well. I still say she did on purpose—sabotaging things—she was really good at it and those things that she did really hurt our marriage. I still say I could write a book about her and her ways but let’s just say this…

 

This thanksgiving I plan to give thanks that I will NEVER ever have to cook for their family again. I have no problem in saying this. It is good therapy. I remember our first Thanksgiving together was when my to-be-husband—my fiancé—took me to visit and meet all of the family before we married. My kind and so thoughtful mother-in-law-to-be allowed me to sleep in the dog bed (bottom bunk)—no, I’m not kidding. It was nasty and I should have gathered exactly what she thought of me back then and got the heck out of Dodge. But, I stuck it out through thick and thin and thinner. I raised two wonderful daughters and I am so very thankful for them today and every day. I regret other choices I have made but I have never regretted my children and never will. I tried in other respects with this family and as usual, nothing was good enough. But, I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

 

So, when we gather together this week, I will say thanks that I have had enough courage to stand up for what is right and know that I did my best. I will be thankful for the opportunity to do my best through all of the challenges that came to my door. I am thankful for the friends I have, the people I have met along the way—especially the ones who have helped me these last few years. I have had to separate myself from people that have judged me and I am better for it actually. As Bill (link) said this past week/end about Job’s friends…Job’s friends judged Job and were not really friends at all. They came to mock him and watch as he suffered not offering much in support—actually, I think they were waiting for God to strike him down 🙂 . Sometimes we have friends who are like this who gather like vultures and wait. I have lost some friends because of it–not everyone is your friend and has your back.

 

As for my children and their grandparents and family…their grandparents don’t have anything to do with the girls since they have not given them any great grandchildren. I’m shocked at their behavior and can only teach my children to act better and to try and forgive. I wish for my girls to have better family than this.

 

May your Thanksgiving be everything you want it to be and may you have everything you need. I give thanks for you all.

 Happy Thanksgiving!

🙂

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It’s Not My Fault

A fellow blogger did a wonderful little post about loving others and how it is sometimes easy to love those who hate you but hard to love those who are supposed to love you. That’s true you know. We don’t expect to have the ones we trust with our love to stab us in the back or worse…stab us in the face. This wasn’t what he was trying to say but we don’t really expect them to abuse us but sometimes they do. It doesn’t mean that we are not supposed to forgive–we are–but we must be willing to protect ourselves. And this leads me to where I am…

 

Many years ago I was dating someone. He raped me. I am just now able to mouth those words. I can’t make that go away and I can’t make it sound pretty or attractive for good reason. My mother never knew. My children hadn’t been born yet and they never knew. I may have told one person something about it but not all of it…I don’t remember if I ever said anything to anyone at the time. I was so ashamed. I buried it so deep that only tears could come out at first when I was remembering about that night.

 

By Abby Bischoff (link) at flickr

Terms of use (link) – Creative Commons [no changes made]

 

I wasn’t being careless or risky. I trusted the person. I also forgave that person and maybe I shouldn’t have or at least so easily. You see, I later married him and he is the father of my children. He was my partner, my significant other…my best friend and the last person I ever planned to be with. He is also the one that cheated…the one who cannot tell the truth if his life depended on it. He is the one that made my life a living hell and still has control over too much of my life because of choices he has made and continues to make.

 

A lot of things I am dealing with now are depending on how I can handle this. Once Pandora’s Box is opened, things don’t like to fit back inside. I am still seeing someone for counseling. It is the most liberating part of my life. I am finally able to talk freely and honestly without worry that I will be judged. Each time I see her, she tells me to be good to myself and treat me like I would treat my daughters if this had happened to them. 🙂 That has been such good advice because I never looked at it that way.

 

Imagine your daughter being raped. Perhaps you have had that experience yourself or a friend or a daughter or son even. I have been much too hard on myself. Seeing it from this new perspective is very rewarding in the sense that I can forgive myself for not speaking up, for marrying him because I thought he was honest. I am not a bad person but I began to think it and that it was my fault like he had told me years ago. Even when we know something rationally, sometimes we don’t react rationally. I think it is because we are in the thick of things.

 

There are parts of me that are being torn out and put back together. I am finding where the voids are in my life and trying to fill them in with good things—good memories. I was never abused or neglected when growing up. My first marriage didn’t go well. I married an alcoholic—I didn’t know. I tried to make it work but I couldn’t. It takes two people to make a relationship work…two honest people. I did my best in both marriages. I went beyond what was asked of me…I did my best. But, the other person didn’t meet me and didn’t walk with me. I did not receive the respect I should have had in either marriage. I thought it was enough but it wasn’t.

 

I have been hard on myself because I have blamed myself for the failures of two marriages but I forget that it takes two to make it. I can get behind that horse and push him as hard as I can but if he won’t budge then I am out of luck. 🙂 I can dangle a carrot in front of the horse but unless the horse wants to move, I can only do what I can do and no more. I don’t take “no” very well…I am very determined but I can’t blame myself.

 

That is where I am right now. I can’t pretend everything is great–it’s not but I am working through it. Getting to a healthy point in life is my goal right now. I can’t let people tear me down. If I seem to be a little assertive more than usual it is for good reason–I’m learning to take up for myself and protect myself. I can never allow myself to be taken advantage of to that point again. Trust was already difficult but now you know why it is even more difficult. Have a great day…and great week! 🙂

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