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Posts Tagged ‘memory’

I have listened to Enya (link) ever since Watermark (link) was released. I have several copies of the same albums due to overplay 😐 . That is easy to do with cassettes but not so easy with CDs. I used to drive a lot and one of three artists/bands were usually in the stereo–Enya, The Moody Blues, or Meatloaf 😉 .

I believe there is a healing quality about music and not just softer tunes. Music has an effect on our drive as a human being but what brings out positive in one person may not do the same for another. It is what we identify with within the songs–what stimulates our brains. 🙂

I have my favorite Enya songs. This is one but not my very favorite.

Happy Gardening! 😀

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While I was in the hospital being diagnosed for my AVM, I met a boy who had a brain tumor—he was a couple of years older than me. The boy, he was cute by the way. 🙂 While we were in the hospital, we played games, talked like kids–like what preteens talk about, just tried to have fun.

wikipedia

He was really nice…as far as boys go 😉 . I was at the age I could take them or leave them. I think he was about the same but maybe more interested in girls than I was aware. He was very considerate. His mom knew he was a treasure and she remained by his side.

 

You know, parents don’t tell children everything. Since I was an only child I was rather selfish at times. I didn’t mean to be that way. I was spoiled. I wasn’t always like that. I have huge amounts of compassion for people and this story is probably a big reason why.

 

The boy was not going to live according to my mom or that is what she said later on. In fact, I remember looking through the obituaries for his death a few times. The doctors had cut out as much tumor as they could but they could not save him. As my mom and I were packing up to leave for home, she asked me if I wanted to leave a game or puzzle or something with the “the boy next door.” I didn’t understand. The item in question was a gift to me while in the hospital so I said no.

 

I have regretted that decision for more than 40 years because I was not aware of his prognosis at the time. How selfish we are sometimes. I wasn’t a selfish child all of the time. I tried to see things from different points of view—perspectives. I credit my mom with this. She helped me to see a bigger picture. I sure miss that about her.

 

I remember he told me that I was lucky to be leaving the hospital or more like jail. We joked about that…like we were inmates. 😀 I was innocent back then believing all things were good–that people would be healed. I had no idea. I believe he knew about my condition but I did not know about his—not the severity. I was greatly disappointed when it was time to be discharged and he was not in his room for me to say my final goodbye. I remember passing by and seeing his empty bed. He was out having more tests. He told me how he had asked the doctors not to cut on him anymore so it was just a matter of time. 😦

 

Those few days and he had touched my heart–very deeply. 🙂 I remember him to this day. I miss him as strange as that sounds and I did not get to say my last goodbye. 😐

 

May we all take time to spend with others–to give when we should–to care…

and the part that I really like is to give a hug and…to take one, too. 🙂

Happy Gardening! 😀

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🙂 My rock roots are showing through…

When the world and I were young,
Just yesterday.
Life was such a simple game,
A child could play.
It was easy then to tell right from wrong.
Easy then to tell weak from strong.
When a man should stand and fight,
Or just go along.

But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light.
Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of gray.

I remember when the answers seemed so clear
We had never lived with doubt or tasted fear.
It was easy then to tell truth from lies
Selling out from compromise
Who to love and who to hate,
The foolish from the wise.

But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light.
Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of gray.

[Instrumental interlude]

It was easy then to know what was fair
When to keep and when to share.
How much to protect your heart
And how much to care.

But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light.
Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of gray.
Only shades of gray.

 

  • Shades of Gray recorded by The Monkees
  • Songwriters:  Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil
  • Lyrics copies here from http://www.lyricsfreak.com/ with 2 corrections

 

Shades of gray…sometimes it is simple…sometimes it isn’t.

Happy Gardening and may your week be so very blessed! 😀

 

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My daughter, youngest (younger), was in town this week and we have been busy making memories and visiting together. I love my children 😀 . Here is them when we were playing Putt Putt.

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May you be blessed and may life be good to you…always!

 

Take care and Happy Gardening! 😀

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Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Isn’t this beautiful? Wow! This quote is said to have been taken from a tombstone in Ireland. I cannot prove conclusively the truth of this but the friend who works in hospice and does grief workshops shared this with me the other night when we were discussing her upcoming talk.

 

My life has been filled with grief…a lot of death…and other things. It is probably what I know best. The friend and I share so many memories…those filled with loss. We know each other’s pain and lift each other up. My direction is about to take a very different heading, one that I don’t even know where it will lead, but I know there is a change coming because I trust God and can feel the pull. That may sound weird but it is true. 

 

Life isn’t easy. If it was, everyone would be happy, and there would be no need for counselors and lawyers.

 

Have a great day, take care and be so very blessed … and Happy Gardening! 😀

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We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves in Savannah Friday leaving before the sun rose and getting home not quite midnight…  We met with my dad’s first cousin and her husand along with two of their children whom I had not met before. It was so much fun to visit and eat lunch with them. I have not seen the cousin in a few years. Then very late that afternoon, it was off to River Street to get some sweets–no other shopping or eating. We got more than fudge…pralines and truffles, too. So delicious but back to healthy eating once it is all gone 😦 . Finally, we drove out to Tybee and walked along the beach—at the beginning of January–watching the sun set. Several people were out surfing. The water was pretty warm. You know I had to put my feet in. 😀

Tybee Jan 2013

Tybee Jan 2013

I love the above photo. It was taken at twilight just as the one from the previous blog posting (see photo below). To see my girls laughing and happy means the world to me!!! There has been a lot of pain and tears between the time these two photos were taken.

Tybee Nov 2011

Tybee Nov 2011

It was a packed day–too much time on the road but it was fun. There were thoughts of memories past but the best part of the trip was making new ones. We never know when the last time we will see someone, so I try to give (and take) an extra hug just in case. You never know… In fact, this cousin called Saturday morning to say her husband’s only living brother had a heart attack. 😦  Give and take an extra hug when you are with loved ones just to make sure and to savor the moment.

Tybee

The day was a prized treasure—a jewel along the way. New friendships are being formed—much needed family bonding—and it makes my heart so happy to know that this is my family 😀 . I went “home” Friday even though I have never lived there in Savannah—it is my home. I wish we had spent the night but it would have been that much harder to leave and say goodbye. 🙂

 

Live life to the fullest, love well, and try never to have any regrets being happy and bringing happiness to others…always! Happy Gardening! Take care! 😀

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wikipedia

This was written the Tuesday before Thanksgiving–the last day I spoke with my husband. This posting is what lead up to the new me because this is who I am and it lead to the decision I made that Friday night. Stripping away the memories has been difficult and continues to be. I hit a little snag this week but I have to face the demons to get through.

When I was a young girl we went to see The Sound of Music—the movie. Back then, going to the movies was still more of a theatrical production than these days. I don’t know why, but this has always been my favorite movie. Great ones have come along and I would watch them over and over but when you ask me my favorite—it has to be The Sound of Music. There are parts I love and parts I don’t…the cemetery scene is one I didn’t like and still have not formed a fondness for. Many of the music scenes are wonderful to me, and I always cry BEFORE cue 😀 especially before this one…

 

The most meaningful part of the movie to me was when the Reverend Mother summoned Maria out of seclusion. Maria had returned to the Abbey because she felt an emotional love for the father of the children she had been sent to govern—as well a love for the children. She felt it was wrong since she was there for the Church. She had yet to take her final vows. I write a lot about selfless love and boundaries and self-discipline. This is the epitome of all three.

 

The life of nuns and so many others who serve God selflessly show real dedication. There is not much room for love of self because their lives are filled with sense of duty and purpose. Julie Andrews exhibits such emotion with little drama. One sees what is going on inside of Maria–the conflict, and the Reverend Mother comes to her aid as a parent would for their child. I love where the Reverend Mother admits that she may have been wrong for leaving Maria in her seclusion for so long. She tells Maria that her love for God is no less if she loves this man and that she doesn’t have to choose. The climax of the scene is the song, “Climb Every Mountain.” Tears roll even before the music begins—ALWAYS—probably because of these words…

 

  • Reverend Mother: Maria, the love of a man and a woman is holy too. You have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is how God wants you to spend your love.
  • Maria: But I pledged my life to God. I pledged my life to his service.
  • Reverend Mother: My daughter, if you love this man, it doesn’t mean you love God less. No, you must find out and you must go back.
  • Maria: Oh, Mother, you can’t ask me to do that. Please let me stay, I beg of you.
  • Reverend Mother: Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live.

 

My love for this movie was echoed in my marriage. My husband’s family was from Germany and he was stationed there for a while before we married. Actually, both of us have German ancestors and I have always wanted to visit this area especially Austria and Black Forest region. My husband had promised he would take me one day—another one of our dreams… It’s Thanksgiving. It’s tough this year—really tough. This is one of those things I am having to work through. It is hard when you have a dream from your childhood to become so ingrained later in your life. How do you separate that? How does one peel those memories away and preserve the innocence? How do I restore the memories of my childhood with my parents who are no longer here along with the hope and dreams I have shared and wanted to share with my husband? I don’t have the answers.

 

May your dreams always become reality and may your gardens be filled with great blessings. Happy Gardening! 😀

 

Quote taken from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Sound_of_Music

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I have so many great memories of Christmas on the farm. We were simple and celebrated very simply. Christmas was a cedar tree cut and dragged home from somewhere on the farm, old electric lights added, precious hand-blown ornaments that had been passed down through generations, even icicles that were reused each year… Christmas was also the best food I think existed, even Black Fruitcake—YUM! 😀 , and family that would gather around the big farm table.

 

MadonnaChristmas has always been very special to me and I have tried to pass that on. My paternal grandmother who died when I was 3 was the real lover of Christmas. It was her passion that was passed on to me through my dad, my mom, and great aunt. One year when I was a young teenager, I received the precious Madonna that belonged to my grandmother. Each year, I received something of hers for Christmas but this gift has been the most special. For years, I unwrapped her along with the carolers and cherubs to display on the Welsh Dresser my dad made years ago. When Christmas was over she went back into the box…that was until I decided that she should not be hidden 330 days of the year and is now enjoyed every day.

 

Christmas is lots of things to lots of people but to me it is the memories of Christmas past coupled with the memories of Christmas present that makes it so special. My passion for Christmas is not much different than that of my paternal grandmother. And, I hope that I have passed on much of her love of Christmas and what is truly important.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

😀

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My Boo-boo

The pattern calls for 3 picots and I made 4. What a bad mistake even if it is early on. I thought about doing an alternating sequence but if I can’t remember 3 rather than 4 do you really think I can remember to go 3-4-3-4?? Not in any way, shape, or form–too many cobwebs. And, by adding the extra picot I made the chain longer which will not look right. 😦

I was so happy to get some smaller yarn to try. It is more dainty looking (I cannot say “daintier”). This is a size 20. I had been using a size 10. There is a big difference and the needle I am using now is a size 7 which also makes a difference. Is that confusing enough? The yarn/thread goes even smaller believe it or not. Normally this wouldn’t be a big thing but since the thread is smaller, I could not get the finishing knot out. I still have almost no feeling in the right hand and it has become more cumbersome to use. All of this will have to be trashed—not that it matters about the knots but about the long tail that doesn’t show.

 

If you would like to learn this type of tatting, there are plenty of videos on the web and there is a book I purchased at Hobby Lobby using a 40% coupon making my total to be about $15. It is not the best book but it included needles (not sure all of theirs do). It is called Learn Needle Tatting Step-by-Step by Barbara Foster. This particular book included 4 needles AND a needle threader. A set of needles was about $12 on its own, so I figure I did pretty well.

 

I have a lot to learn and as evident above and there are lots of misfires in that brain of mine. I still confuse right and left but we won’t go there. Have a most blessed day and may you be a light for someone who needs it today. Happy Gardening in all that you do, and we can all become master gardeners on the road of life! Please take care. 😀 

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Roman Milestone Marker – wikipedia

 A milestone I had hoped I would not reach… WARNING:  feelings revealed…

I live in the house my husband and I moved into 20 years ago this past June. He hasn’t ‘visited’ in over 4 months. I sleep in the same bed we purchased just after we got married—my oldest daughter has been sleeping with me to keep me company—to keep an eye on me—because of health issues, the pain in the night and then there are the tears of heartache. It is so difficult to cry alone and not have my husband there to comfort me. Then I feel bad when my children find me sobbing. I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to protect and comfort them. What have I become?

 

On a wall in our bedroom is a tapestry my husband purchased overseas while serving in Desert Storm. I was pregnant with our second daughter the majority of the time he was gone–memories. Much of the stuff on his side of the room has remained relatively unchanged—some has been removed, some rearranged. When I walk into the dressing room I see where his toiletries used to sit on the vanity, and in the walk-in closet his clothes remain just as he left them. When he moved out it was only for a few days—a couple of weeks at the most. Today, it has been 6 months.

 

Downstairs, where our wedding photo and anniversary tribute hung, there now hangs the parade photo of my mom I posted this week along with some trinkets from a family beach trip. In the living room are our many shot glasses we collected from different vacation spots and on the Welsh Dresser is his German mug collection along with the oil lamps, etc. I removed the photo with him and Arnold Palmer months ago along with Masters memorabilia. Then there are the tea pots and other lovely vases that once held beautiful flower arrangements he gave me as tokens of his love–more memories. He always wanted to give me flowers–one of the more romantic things about him. I have a huge glass jug that holds rose petals, small flowers, and ribbons from those arrangements of a time long ago. In contrast, I haven’t received anything since our anniversary last December which was a potted plant I picked out.

 

There other collections we have given each other over the years. Some of these are special because the girls were part of them. In the photo boxes are 100s of photos—thousands maybe—of vacation destinations, our family, and his family including relatives of his. On the media center are books, photo albums and scrapbooks, some filled with photos of family outings, special occasions, etc. There is one of me pinning on his badge when he graduated from the police academy, and there are those with him and our babies–him cuddling, holding, and playing with them through the years. Memories. Ghosts. To see all the music and movies we have collected over the years—extraordinary. Some he has taken with him; some left behind. Everything has a memory. Each wall, each item in this house… And, I don’t want to talk about the home videos he took of the girls when they were growing up. It hurts.

 

Everywhere I look I am reminded of him in one way or the other. I see where he didn’t put something away and I haven’t the heart to move it. Then there is the stuff on his table. It is almost like he passed away—taken in an instant never to return. It takes me back to the time my father died. I got into the habit years ago to keep a worn t-shirt (not sweaty) to the side in case my husband was killed—law enforcement… I wanted to keep one as a reminder of his scent—his antiperspirant and aftershave mixed with his smell. I would cuddle his shirt on nights when he was working, and at first after he moved out. I would cuddle his pillows but eventually I washed them. Today, I can hardly remember that smell I grew so accustomed to, the one that made me feel safe and secure. It’s funny about smells. There is usually a memory attached to them.

 

Slowly, I have removed things or put them out of view. Difficult. As I do, a piece of my heart is ripped apart again because I know that soon, if I keep it up, there will be no trace of him in the physical sense. Maybe this is what he meant to happen in the first place but he kept telling me and tells me today that it is his goal to move back home. On this day, my heart hurts so much. I have cried almost as much this week as when I first found out. Love…love doesn’t change; our minds change. Keep your loved ones close and let them know you care.

 

People can give advice and tell me what to do, but unless they are in my shoes they do not know what it’s like even if they have been here before. People can judge me and say how naïve I am. I am not naïve—I know that I have to proceed carefully because I could very easily shut the door, turn the lock and flip off the light. I don’t think most people know how easy that would be because I want the pain to stop. In fact, sometimes I think that would be better but then I think of my girls and the future. I want the best for everyone. I have been accused of being selfish and sometimes not selfish enough. I don’t wish this on my worst enemy. To have no family to go to, to cry on and desire comfort and understanding…I have limited friends—he was my best friend. Life. Life is not always easy no matter what you are faced with.

 

I have hoped that this would work out. Today, I don’t know but these are some of the things I have learned…

  • Take care of your heart—no matter what—because your spouse is in there.
  • Give compliments and caresses to deposit in your bank account of love so when things get tough your spouse will have them to help you.
  • You can discipline yourselves to keep your love alive, but you have to watch out for the other.
  • Always use your yokes, eagerly helping one another.
  • Be thankful for your spouse in the morning and at night and all between.
  • Tell them what they mean to you and how much you care.
  • Find words of encouragement and strokes of gratitude.
  • Hold their love carefully and tenderly, and never give up hope.

 

This has been the hardest time of my life. I knew there would be more tough times along the road of life, but bar the death of my spouse, I thought we would have each other to lean on through everything else. When I get down and depressed about my children seeing me being weak because I cry and all, I say something about it and you know what they say…  “Mom, you are the strongest person we know and you have nothing to be ashamed of—nothing to be sorry for.”

My girls…they make me proud…

Oh, the memories…

Oh, the ghosts!

 

Sometimes we have to be a part of some really sad times, but they make the mountaintops so much brighter.

Happy Gardening. May your valleys be shallow, your mountains bright and your gardens always green! 🙂

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